WAHHH TIM I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO COME OVER AT ALL TONIGHTTTTT. tim doesnt read this blog. i think.
also, reading about middle/late adulthood has made me more aware of the dynamics of being older... and has made me realize my own mortality and even though i may seem to have a lot of time left at this point, 80 years really is not very much at all. and who knows if i will even live out my spot in the family life cycle? i might very well crash and die on my way back in the middle of the night from tim's after a long new years eve of friends and fun. death is a curious thing and i think we would all do very well to think about it long and hard. i feel less prepared to die today than i did a couple years ago, the reason being that i have not given much thought to death since those days of daily meditation about death during my quiet times. but what a sweet moment it will be, if only i could have the luxury of a gradual and expected death. to be with jesus at long last. i'm going to cry when i die. from joy. but until then, i will busy myself with everything that doesnt matter in this life and maybe once in a while shift my focus to things beyond that do matter. or if God helps me, vice versa. hm i wonder if it feels like falling asleep. i wonder if you can keep yourself awake a little longer or choose to drift off a little earlier? once i had a dream that i was about to die for some reason, and i knew it. i went around telling everyone that i was going to die and saying goodbye... but i wouldnt die. i tried to, like i try to fall asleep, but i wouldnt go. and in that dream, it was a lot like falling asleep. but as much as i would like to be able to savor that one moment that comes once in a normal lifetime (haha), dying slowly in a hospital bed seems so meaningless. but i dunno. i will not risk requesting anything from God because he might listen to me.
is there fear in death? i fear other people's deaths very much. i fear dead bodies (except in a lab environment) and i fear the loss. well, one good thing about dying young is that you won't have to see anyone die. and i fear being jerked out of my body in a way that i can't control. i almost fear not being able to die, but that really doesn't make any sense. and sometimes i fear that when i die, i'll find out that everything i believed about the afterlife was false.
oh, hey, when i die my human nature will have completely been destroyed. in that perspective, death is liberation in the most primal sense. hm interesing...
reading about all stages of a lifespan also make me realize this fourth dimension of time, and helps me to think above it. the present is such a narrow point in time. the past is so long and the future is so long. the "present" is effectively nothing, yet to us who live in it, it's virtually everything. strangely distorted. strangely narrow. my past is already beginning to seem long, but it's only been 18 years. i have no idea what having 60 more years to live means. it seems so short when seen from beyond time, but so long when seen from our own magnifying glass view. far too long for me to comprehend already.
my textbook also apparently says that women gain more other-sex friends as they progress into young adulthood, but men have less other-sex friends. how does that even make sense. after 20 hours of pondering, i have concluded that either the population of young men far outnumbers that of young women, or most of the other-sex friends of the young adult women are men who are not young adults.
ok, enough philosophical
mental playlist: the words i would say (sidewalk prophets)
anyway the point is that i shall change the name of this blog.
mental playlist: before the throne of God above (selah)
- overall rating: 10/10 :] very happy at ucsd.
- best thing: living next door to friends. or in the same room as. superconvenient for when you need help during studying, need a study break, want to go grab food, are out of milk etc, or are bored.
- worst thing: lack of real chinese food.
- thing i miss most: real chinese food. friends from home. cocoa.
- academic difficulty: less busy work, but more brainpower. big improvement from high school, including noticeable acne decrease from less stress lol. class content goes deeper and moves faster, but not overwhelmingly so. effort required when trying to retain massive amounts of info the night before the midterm. i have learned that seriously studying and then mentally preparing yourself to fail is the best safeguard against getting stressed about grades while still keeping them up.
- social scene: so my suite is actually rather partyish but i am grateful for my roommate, nancy, one suitemate, lylan, and a floormate, neilson. i still get along with the rest of them, tho. they're really nice people and i dont judge them. hm i hang out with iv people a lot even tho i'm not in iv. made some good friends there, but i only wish revelle sophomores didnt live on the other side of campus. i pretty much don't know any of the other girl suites on my floor. i sort of know the 505-510 guy suite, but they scare me a bit because ... basically i learned from them that (many) guys are gross. gosh, they had porn on their suite wall. the last week of school i began getting to know the other guy suite, and they're so much cooler than the other one, sorry. my ra is def very cool, tho sometimes i admit i run and hide when she comes cuz she tries so hard to get us to go to events. also made many random acquaintainces while fellowship/church hopping. also got reconnected with several childhood friends, who would have guessed?
- living conditions: not as bad as expected. two shower stalls, two toilets, and three sinks is enough for 13 girls. i wish the wall between the showers was something more opaque than fuzzy glass, but it's not too bad cuz most people don't go in while there's someone else inside. living on the fifth floor with a slow elevator helps keep off the freshman 15. our double room is actually quite large and i feel like it's larger than many triples on campus. i wish the vacuum cleaners in reslife worked. love my awesome view of revelle plaza. love the sun on my blinds in the morning and how well lit it is most of the day in the room.
- fellowship/church hopping: chaotic and tiring the first two weeks. saw et everywhere i visited. loved iv small groups, but found large group a little too mainstream. but still, large group is also pretty cool. also liked aacf people cuz theyre awesomely crazy but found their large group meetings somewhat lacking in focus. was about to settle on iv, but neilson told me how cool little spark was so i figured i'd check it out and LOVED their mission statement. so i stuck to it and its affliated church, harbor. secret fear: that it's full of cliques and unserious people where the mission statement remains simply a statement. also wish it was a little less conservative. love my small group leaders.
- most life-changing moment: ".................are you SERIOUS, God???" you know. i went in with an eye on secondary education and am now premed.
- changes in me: musical tastes changed a bit. more mainstream than before. developed a taste for a stronger beat and louder music in my ears that blocks out everything. sounds so good. i'm gonna go deaf soon if i don't try to control the volume in my headphones. luckily i do because i would rather not be the next beethoven. as bryan likes to point out, my tastes more feminine, sure. i pay a little more attention to what a wear. well, half the time. i also feel about 20 times more proud and judgmental than i thought i was when i flew down to sd, but internal states are hard to accurately evaluate from inside so i will not attempt here. also less shy/insecure about singing in front of people. but somehow that confidence goes away at home, haha. also basically relearned guitar (thank you neilson).
- food: food at plaza sure looks good, but it tastes somewhat less than it should. all the more incentive to walk farther to ovt and keep off the freshman 15 some more. actually plaza is pretty decent sometimes.
- homesickness: far less than expected, but not absent either.
- weather: awesome. mild, rare rain, a little chilly at night in december. marine layer fog sometimes. not hot either, except the first week.
- spirituality: much more stimulating than in high school. much more serious. less people going to fellowship just to hang out. better organized in general, less burnout feeling in general. better focus. for me personally, devos got a little off due to lack of daily structure, which affected my closeness to God. first weeks on fire for God. the feeling went away later but the commitment that everything is for him didn't, at least not as much. a little distracted from my purpose as classes picked up, so i made a postit note on my mirror to remind myself to do something meaningful everyday, to not just pass the days one by one only in fun and studying. the flu during week 10 was not good for me as i couldnt go to church or fellowship or anything and i lacked motivation to get up and do my devos and i was too tired and sleepy to really pray much. but going to church the week after was so refreshing.
- living habits: VERY DISCIPLINED. i am relatively a morning person. wake up soon after 7 on weekdays, 9 or earlier on weekends. bed by 11:30-12 most days. i still have yet to go to a dining hall for my breakfast, but i do eat it... whatever i have in my room. lunch between 11 and 2 typically, depending on the day. dinner anywhere from 5 to 8, depending on when we get hungry. i try not to eat snacks to make sure i eat at mealtimes. apparently my ultradisciplinedness transfers to nancy just because we live in the same room lol.
- resolutions for next quarter: take studying a little more seriously. i am, after all, trying to get into med school. do something meaningful each day. do my devos every day.
- favorite class: it would have to be math. ethnic studies was like writing with my left hand, chem was tons of new stuff really fast, but somehow i feel like i wont retain much from that class. i still dont get lennard-jones potential. psych was disappointing because we only covered half the interesting stuff we were supposed to. math now, was easy sometimes because i've learned a lot (most?) of the stuff from mr stark (thank you), but challenging sometimes as i tried to figure out 3d stuff and the significance of doing what i was doing. i went to 55% of my math sections.
- least favorite class: ethnic studies.
- biggest regret: allowing too many days to pass emptily and purposelessly.
- music: i am not in revelle by accident. God knew that revelle is the only college with private piano rooms, the site of many worship/prayer sessions for me this past quarter and, i promise, the next two quarters. 1. i can literally pray through my music. play my feelings out to God. 2. i can use my music like incense, to carry my prayers up to God as i pray out loud. 3. i can worship the conventional way, singing songs and letting the lyrics be my prayers. i have finally come to the point where i dont care what i sound like anymore when i worship. sometimes at least. AND next year when i move to matthews, God knew that i would have the conrad music center with superawesome real legit pianos in private rooms down the street. sweet.
- the beach: SUPERsoft sand compared to in santa cruz. feels so good to mash your toes around in it. touching the ocean makes me so happy, i dont know why i didnt go to the beach more. the cliffs are pretty cool for watching the sunset, which is usually beautiful. you dont really get a legit sunset in cupertino because of the foothills in the west.
- the city: ok, admittedly i dont really like downtown, but the suburbs are very similar to cupertino. theres this one street that looks just like mcclellan, past mv. anyway. lacking in good chinese food/grocery places (except ranch 99 which i havent gone to yet). taking the bus still scares me so i rarely go offcampus except with friends who drive. which is often enough.
ok that was long and took me about two hours. haha. good night. and have a very merry CHRISTmas.
itunes: you raise me up (josh groban)
today was a good day. hanging with yuji was cool. hanging with dean was cool. hanging with kevin was cool. i'm so happy to be in cupertino but at the same time i miss ucsd.
anyway. i also apparently threw away my japanese workbook from junior year that i still need for japn 20b. darn.
i also decided 70% that i will discontinue japanese after this quarter and do linguistics for my area of focus instead. mix it up a bit and lessen the pressure next year.
mental playlist: he is (mark schultz)
also, today at church was much better. sweet fellowship. :] break is starting to look up.
itunes: salvation is here (hillsong)
something is also wrong if i worship best when i'm playing piano outside of church, next best when i'm at church and not playing on worship team, and least when i'm playing on worship team.
afc is desperate for prayer and change.
break is improving due to more people being back and out of school. yay.
mental playlist: break me down (tenth avenue north)
so there you have it. i did not mean to bash on cupertino. the beginning part at least really was meant in a neutral manner.
mental playlist: all i want for christmas is you (mariah carey)
anyway. i have figured out the mystery why people graduate from afc and go to college and dont come back to hoc5 afterwards. its because there's no college ministry at hoc5. theres no college students. you're stuck between the youth and young adults and its awkward cuz you're not sure where to go for sunday school or fellowship or anything for that matter. so there you have it.
mental playlist: here in your presence (new life worship)
proverbs 13:7. "One man pretends to be rich, yet has nothing; another pretends to be poor, yet has great wealth." this verse takes on new meaning. at least the second part. rich people are stingy. thats what its saying. i think. "baba can i go on this trip?" "you think we're rich???" yeah. ok. funny. we're not extravagantly rich but we have plenty.
stuck in my head: canadian please (julia bentley and andrew gunadie)
my doubts about the reality of salvation has made me come to realize how worthless i am and how much i still need jesus. i need him. God, let me never forget that i'm nothing. let me never think that i'm worth anything on my own.
what peace to know that the God of the universe loves me despite everything wrong with me. my worth is not dependent on me but on God. beauty.
but it's so easy to forget, why?
itunes: tidal wave (owl city)
rawr i need structure. i need to throw away and donate some junk but my dad is such a packrat and wont let me get rid of anything useless.
i rather like living at school more now just cuz theres more order there. somehow, i crave structure, but i have a hard time generating it myself.
mental playlist: satisfy (tenth avenue north)
- clean up the house. make everyone happy.
- finish mere christianity. and boundaries i forgot about that book.
- read my psych textbook for the heck of it?
- review japanese
- devos every day from wes' church's thingymabobber
- eat real azn food
- bake a million cookies and share the love
- cook and share the love for a waterwalkers reunion
- possibly visit relatives in vancouver and share the love
- cheerios reunion and update them on everything
- of course, meet and catch up with friends. hang out, play, eat, have a good long-awaited talk.
- catch up with church people. encouragement
- visit afc.
- visit mv.
- advertise ucsd
- do some hard thinking and ponder the balance between working hard in school and doing more meaningful things, between being comfortable with failure and trying to get into med school, between hanging out to have fun and hanging out to build meaningful relationships.
- do some more hard thinking and ponder my own disgusting pride. i want to be humble.
- enjoy my own piano. worship at my own piano. continue to overcome my insecurity about my voice in favor of worshipping w/o restraint.
- write background music for wes' songs
itunes: shackles (praise you)/more love more power (coast vineyard worship)
mental playlist: the words i would say (sidewalk prophets)
chem did not own me. it was a pretty balanced struggle. thats a good sign.
i have an ear infection???
jesus, my lover and savior, <3<3<3
mental playlist: the words i would day (sidewalk prophets)
btw if you havent noticed, i put the song i currently have stuck in my head or, if i have music playing, the song currently playing from my itunes or whatever, here. 95% of the time, i have a song stuck in my head. and it just plays over and over and its almost like i can really hear it, even if i dont know the song that well. my brain apparently remembers audio things very well. music at least. not names, haha. anyway. one day it will be interesting to go back and see what songs i had in my head and what music i listened to.
i also recently realized i should have shipped my textbooks to school instead of home. but oh well.
math final was ok. completely missed two problems, but thats only 10% of my final grade.
ethn final was bad. essay was completely disorganized.
it was raining. first time ive seriously encountered rain here. not fun. wet socks for 6 hours.
didnt have time for lunch before ethn final cuz i took longer than expected on math.
stuffy nose during 3 hour final and no kleenex = bad.
i still have a ton of chem to cram for tomorrow 8 am.
in summary, its a bad day.
i feel like vegetating, not cramming.
real playlist: what faith can do (kutless)
real playlist is currently playing: passing by (yiruma)
i'm going crazy here.
the mental playlist: poker face (lady gaga) -_-
(it actually is relevant)
elena's mental playlist is currently playing: lift us up to fall (tenth avenue north)
in other news, i have tons of cramming to do before monday. good luck to me. also, i realized that i study for finals. since when did that happen, cuz that totally went under my radar. FINALS WEEK IS SUPPOSED TO BE RELAXING, HELLO. ok. done.
the radio in elena's head is currently playing: times (tenth avenue north)
the plan is to catch up on math and chem this week and cram math studying and ethnic studies inclass essay prep this weekend and then catch up and cram psych after my first three finals finish on tue. we're good. assuming i get better by saturday.
also, studying and stressing apparently pays off very well, so i discovered after seeing my second chem midterm score. still trying to decide if its worth it tho.
ok. hopefully i get better soon because this is beginning to get bothersome and a little worrying with finals so near.
in other news, i'm sick and not feeling good.
on the plane ride this morning, during the descent, my right ear wouldnt pop. all the way to the ground, it wouldnt pop. it was so painful. i thought my eardrum was going to pop from pressure difference. it wouldnt pop til like an hour after we landed. painful. and i was half deaf for that hour too.
but yeah. heard it was freezing and raining in la jolla yesterday, but i wasnt here to witness it. its back to normal today.
today was black friday and we spent hundreds of dollars in one morning. amazing. my dad is somewhat less stingy than he used to be, thats interesting. i'm finding that i'm more stingy than him now. he's like $25 shoes!!! buy more!!! and i'm like uh i thought the $10 range was more acceptable. but ok, whatever, stimulate the economy. i bought three pairs of shoes, is that overkill or what. i will abstain from buying shoes for 12 months.
in other news, i skipped my opc for one morning, the first morning i got home, and i got sick.
1. it feels like christmas here
2. it feels like i never left
3. first night after getting home i dream about school lol
4. i squished cocoa
5. i played my piano
6. i hung out with my friends
7. i made cookie dough to bake later
8. i drove
9. played taboo
10. played speed scrabble
11. played ninja
12. played smash
13. played apples to apples
14. now i realize how dirty/messy my house is and am determined to clean it up before i leave
15. i met another guy from lowell/ucsd on the plane
16. i met two other people from ucsd at the airport in san diego
17. I MANAGED TO PICK OUT MV AND KENNEDY AND LINCOLN FROM THE AIRPLANEE!!!! no joke. i was like oh that looks like 280. oh look its two schools next to each other. wait the layout of that one looks a lot like kennedy. wait the layout of the other one next to it looks a lot like mv. wait that must be lincoln next to it. oh look theres where 85 connects with 280. OMGSH IT IS MV AND KENNEDY.
18. picked persimmons
19. burned a candle
numbers 4-13, 19 all before i went to bed last night. :] i am so efficient at accomplishing things. and number 2 is due to numbers 4-13.
in other news, sound wasnt very good at cup of culture last night and i couldnt hear myself. but apparently everyone else could. as in... only my voice came out mostly? thats scary. i am scared to watch any recording. and very sadly, people said they couldnt hear the words, which in my opinion was the best part. so maybe i made a fool of myself, but practicing was fun.
[translated from chinese]
grandma: do you have friends?
me: of course
grandma: no i mean, that kind of friend
me: ... you mean a boyfriend?
me: lol no.
grandma: ok well it's time to start thinking about that
me: .... lol ok
grandma: yeah, it's time to start looking into things
me: ok i know
grandma: and maybe start looking around and considering people
grandma: and then maybe discuss it with him.
grandma: ok good.
me: but i want a good one so i'm going to take my time
grandma: of course of course, but its time to start thinking about it.
me: lol ok.
grandma: so study hard and start looking for a boyfriend
grandma: got it?
grandma: ok that's it for now. bye
what the heck lol.
on another note, i watched twelfth night just now. that was fun. it was strikingly similar to comedy of errors tho.
on another other note, i went to coast today instead of harbor cuz i wanted to get back in time to watch twelfth night. i am so glad i went. she talked about surrendering to jesus to the point of persecution and humiliation and even death. hard to capture in a blog post but it was cool. nothing ive never heard before, but a good reminder. and at the end shes like if you are committing to surrender your life to jesus (and all that) please come to the front so we can pray for you. i went to the front and stood around and this one lady on the prayer team approached me. i didnt mean to talk about being called to the medical field (in fact i didnt mean to talk about anything), but i ended up talking about it anyway, and i talked of how i didnt know what to make of it because it's kind of random and shes like well, i'm a doctor and i pray for my patients. im like OMG REALLY????? thats not coincidence. she said God told her to come and pray for me haha. but yeah. good day.
anyway. went to westfield utc today that was fun. i smell like 20bajillion diff things now cuz they kept giving me samples of lotion and stuff. strawberry on right arm and citrus on left arm haha. anyway. will go back sometime to hang out and get more samples of chocolate. tho its smaller than valley fair. but valley fair takes days to walk through, so its ok. but they dont have a yankee candle shop unfortunately.
btw i think jesus is pretty cool. always.
on the one hand, i dont like to be stressed out and its not good for me.
on the other hand, studying probably somewhat raises my test scores.
MARGINAL UTILITY!!! i must optimize this curve to find the amt of studying that has the highest profit margin. i also i dont know what i'm talking about.
anyway MY CHEM EXAM IS OVER WHOOOOOOOOOOOOT. we shall ignore the fact that i have two ethnic studies papers to do for next week and celebrate.
anyway, too early to say right now. i shall go back to chem now. its really starting to tire me.
anyway. about this fee increase. 1. it wont make much of a diff in my life. 2. capitalism is taking over the world and look what its doing.
today i realized it has a bigger impact than i was aware of. because of my prof's rantings, i now realize that a lot of people really wont be able to afford to go to a uc anymore, and people of color will indeed be disproportionately affected. that sucks.
tho its hard to say if we're having money problems because the govt is being stupid in managing our finances or because the people are being stupid in their votes by wanting capitalism when it comes to taxes and socialism when it comes to social services.
anyway. this sucks. not because i dont want to pay more money, but because it will strain so many other families financially and indeed prevent some people from even getting a uc education.
what if my dad decides to retire like hes been jawing about for the past 5 years.
what about when my sister goes to college and we have to pay twice as much. thats a little of a strain.
what about when i go to med school.
i have to stop dreaming about the future.
tae kwon do in argo 543
hiking on a hill w/o trees in a land far far away. hooray for nancy being a mom and helping me pack lunch and do my laundry on this hectic day.
pumpkin pie from julian, ca
eating tons of pumpkin pie because i dont have a fridge to store it. yes i bought a whole pie
drawing up my own 4 year plan for graduation
more pumpkin pie
hanging out with friend from irvine, who happens to be named julian too
more spontaneous piano
i miss jesus
introduction to heavy metal music?
not part of my weekend:
minimally part of my weekend:
ethnic studies reading
psych midterm monday (tomorrow!), chem midterm thur. i like to cram, if you so call it that.
jk i studied for psych mostly already. and its not called cramming if i do chem like 2 days before the midterm, right?
oh shoot i forgot to take the ethnic studies reading quiz.
oh jk its not even up. nor is the essay prompt. did the prof die or something...?
so anyway, yes i do miss jesus. devos have not been consistent because i havent been able to focus. why? sorry. i want more jesus. i miss you jesus, sweet lover. after to write love on her arms day, a darker past has been closer to the surface of my mind than it should be. i feel a little fragile, like anything might set me off again. i'm hungry for jesus. jesus erases sadness. jesus fixes the broken. jesus has erased my sadness and fixed my brokenness. jesus loves me.
i love you too, jesus.
but then a part of me, i think, would automatically beg God to help me through this collapse of my world.
does that even make sense?
he's apparently so firmed ingrained in my very being that i cannot let go of his existence, no matter what doubts come.
or am i mistaken?
what if i imagined it all. all the experiences i thought i had with him. what if all the times he showed up in real life was just coincidences.
scary as hell. literally. i think i just felt my pupils dilate.
but what if it was all true, and my life is built on truth? how preposterous it would be of me to be thinking this. how tragic it would be for anyone who denied that the truth was true.
this question is of infinite consequence.
if God didnt exist, theres no use to me thinking this. doesnt matter what i believe, it wont make a difference.
if God did exist, literally everything hangs in the balance of whether or not i choose to believe. if he exists and i think he doesnt, i should just go die now. but if he exists and i believe in him, i have everything.
oh what the heck. God obviously exists and i obviously believe it so. you cant deny that someone had to write that dna in order for a complex organism to function, just like you cant deny that someone had to write the code in order for your complex computer to function. what am i thinking.
what a pointless rant.
i really miss my grandma. i havent seen her since like 4th grade. shes getting old (88 in 20 days). she doesnt know jesus. shes raising her third generation of kids now and i think she feels underappreciated.
wow think about that. living for 90 years through your own childhood, your kids' childhoods, their kids childhoods, and now seeing the beginning of their kids childhoods. i counted. shes raised 11 kids now. and still at it, heck. my own childhood memories are already fading fast. i wonder if she remembers her own childhood. think about that. one day maybe i'll be her in place. how meaningless life must seem by that point, without a constant jesus and the hope of eternal life. most people you ever knew are probably dead or in some corner of the globe you are not aware of. and soon you'll only be a memory and pretty soon after that, any footprints you've left will have faded away too. if someone doesnt think life is overwhelmingly meaningless by then, they are extraordinarily lacking in any substantial awareness of their humanity. i already find life meaningless beyond words, if not for the hope of something more meaningful beyond this world thats keeping me here. its sad if people dont realize that life is meaningless, but its sadder if they realize and dont find the answer eventually. its my hope that no one would be so foolish as to not realize the meaninglessness of this world, and that everyone who realizes it would find the answer that lies beyond this world, that gives life meaning that doesnt end at death. ask me.
- chinese food after little spark on friday!!! unfortunately, sam woo is more americanized than any chinese restaurant i would choose to go to, but it was ok. dinner at 10:30. got back at 11:45. is that the latest ive ever stayed out here?
- homework and laundry on saturday. i lived in the lounge.
- finally changed out of my pjs when it started getting dark again so i could go to brianas house to BAKE COOKIES heck yes i still have some famous flourless pb cookies if anyone nearby wants any.
- brought our cookies to a dessert potluck/game night at some mansion that some college students live at. jk its a townhouse, but its hecka big for a few college students. arguably bigger than my house at home. two story. but yes it was fun. almost like back at home when i invite too many ppl over to my house by accident. played catchphrase, which is almost taboo, and speed scrabble, yepyep. just like home. unfortunately i was already too full from tasting my cookies that i didnt have space for much more but oh well.
- tenth avenue north is my new favorite band. not for their sound even tho i like that too, cuz seriously, a lot of bands sound alike, but their lyrics capture my heart. everyone knows "by your side," which is very moving, but heres one that ppl dont know so much: times. i actually find the music not that interesting, but the lyrics make it one of my favorites. here's part:
But I hear You sayits poetry. but its better with the music so listen to it.
My love is over
It’s in between
The times you doubt me
And when you can’t feel
The times that you question
Is this for real?
The times that you’re broken
The times that you mend
The times you hate me
The times that you bend
My love is over
It’s in between
The times that you’re healing
And when your heart breaks
The times that you feel like you’ve fallen from grace
The times that you’re hurting
The times that you heal
The times you go hungry and are tempted to steal
In times of confusion
In chaos and pain
I’m there in your sorrow under the weight of
I’m there in your heart-ache
I’m there through the storm
My love I will keep you by my power alone
I don’t care where you’ve fallen or where
you have been
I’ll never forsake you
My love never ends
It never ends
- worship/prayer at the cliffs this morning. it was misty out over the ocean so you couldnt see any line between the ocean and sky, which were about the same color. with the white foam on the shore that looked like the clouds in the sky, its easy to imagine that i stood at the end of the earth the sky literally touched the beach beneath us. or that the ocean extended up over above us. made me very reflective. i didnt feel so much like praying and singing as i did to just sit there and appreciate God without words. esp as i still had the above song playing in my head.
- i just found out that i was supposed to read 50 more pages for ethnic studies oh well ill do that tomorrow morning.
- the rest of today: call my grandma cuz ive been thinking about her a lot lately, and i miss her. write the rest of the revelle song. play piano and bask in his love thats over and underneath, inside and in between.
also, all the walking i do here has finally caused my poppy hip to start to bother me sometimes.
THAT IS ALL I HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A GOOD WEEK.
theres this talent show thingy called cup of culture coming up at the end of nov. lylan was trying to get me and/or neilson to play something. somehow she suggested we do a song about revelle. i said if you write the words ill put it to music and we'll play it. and i was half-serious, but i didnt think she'd do it. well she did it and its so funny you can see it on facebook. its so monta vistan. anyway. i put the first verse to music yesterday morning (btw, i discovered if i audio-recorded myself brainstorming, its so much easier to capture good ideas, songwriters you should try it if you havent already). and then in the afternoon i showed neilson and he found it so catchy that we played it about a billion times and got it stuck in everyones head.... in fact i bet its still stuck in some ppls heads right now (i can write tv jingles!).... uh yes. thats where my yesterday went.
in case your wondering, i'm not positive about actually performing it at cup of culture. but yeah it was fun, and i'm gonna try to write a chorus tomorrow... yeah. we'll see how it develops haha. as of now its happy sounding music with words that ... dont quite fit the music, which is i guess what makes it funny yay lylan. one part sounds like viva la vida I DIDNT PLAGARIZE IT CUZ ITS LESS THAN 8 MEASURES OF SIMILAR NOTES. and i made it very epic when i announce that i didnt get in ucla. hehe. and donald would be proud to know that i used nonstandard chords in some spots. i shall see if i can incorporate a little blues, a little jazz later haha. this is the perfect oppurtunity to experiment and mix genres hehe.
on another note (haha), this is the first time anyones seriously sung/played my music before (and got it stuck in their heads!) and its a weirdish feeling... ive always been too shy to display my music before but i guess college makes me come out of my shell a little.
TO WORK NOW. I DID NOTHING TODAY EITHER, SO FAR.
that was totally not a propaganda ad because communism actually works there.
and before you pick on me for making job and missions mutually exclusive, by "job" i mean making money. thats it.
japn20b (2nd year jap - 5 units) [seriously? four years melts into a little over one year?]
chem6bh (general chem honors - 4 units)
mus8 (american music - 4 units) [its like music history]
hum1 (foundations of western civilization: israel and greece - 6 units) [that is, humanities. required history/english class]
my proposed schedule looks like an elephant. in fact it scares me a little cuz its seems like so many classes after this quarter. plus i made them all late morning so its like.... packed in that time frame.
at the end of fall quarter, i will be at 44 units, making me an almost sophomore. sophomore standing is 45 units. i had no idea my aps did so much.
time to stop being azn. thats 5% better than expected and i can still reasonably hope for an a/b in the class. but even if i dont get that, somehow that doesnt bother me. i learned something about the rms speed of molecules in a nonideal gas. that, of course, makes failing the class totally ok.
on the other hand, maybe i should study more than two hours the night before next time.
yeah i didnt even understand my essay prompts when i first saw it. there were two and i couldnt tell the diff. and i didnt know half the terms it was using. good thing i changed the grading option to pass/fail on the last day possible, right? so i signed up for a time slot in the prof's office hours to ask her. on my way up to her office after class, i was reading and rereading the prompts, trying desperately to understand the prompts enough to formulate real questions to ask. by the time i got to her office, i understood the prompts and i didnt have to ask anymore lol. she didnt show up anyway, so i didnt have to face her intimidating presence w/o a legit question to ask.
btw, curves are awesome. the grading kind, not the graphical kind...
I GOT BROWNIES IN THE MAIL AGAIN!!!!
it's ok, ill have an essay to write next week.
oh and i dont mean that the course content is easier than it was at mv. its def not. but the workload is much easier.
so i took my chem midterm this morning and it wasnt as bad as i'd expected, but then again, i expected to not even understand about half of the problems. and then i was very braindead. and then i went to lunch on the other side of campus WITH MY FRIEND NAMED ELENA WHOM I HAVENT SEEN SINCE 5TH GRADE, except once by accident at safeway like in 6th or 7th grade. :]] i also discovered that somehow cupertino doesnt end at de anza blvd. wth im so confused. where does it end then? ...
yesterday i got my math midterm back, and it was a low b, which i was totally ok with, until i realized that most of my grade is two midterms and the final, and that i was also trying to get into med school. so i was like hm maybe i should study more. but then today in class i was reminded that everything is curved. so i dont have to study yay.
also i had guava last night. REAL guava. it tasted like a plant. ...not at all like guava juice lol.
shoutout to bryan for finally telling his mom that he's christian and not getting owned for it as expected. :]]]]]] yayyy bryan.
some stalkerish ppl somehow managed to send me a care package in the middle of bible study last night via another person in the bible study. how the heck did they know i was with jeff?? like he got up, went outside, and came back with a package in the middle of luke 10. wth. lol.
1. i have bruises on my forearms from playing vball. yay vball.
2. i had korean tofu soup stuff 2 nights ago. yay korean food. so good after dining hall food.
3. costco has cheap food. yay costco.
4. i saw a british columbia license plate at costco. yay british columbia lol.
5. i went to harbor presbyterian church yesterday and their congregation is pretty small, so they actually ask for prayer requests and individually pray for those requests during service. pretty cool.
6. i also got about nothing done this weekend.
7. im starting to get guitar callouses on my fingers yay.
8. psych class is apparently cancelled today. again. i havent had this class in a week. my midterm is also postponed. we are extremely behind schedule.
9. i am extremely happy here.
news item 2: last night i stayed up til 1 playing the sentence game with nancy and neilson. the results are on facebook. yay. i love college life.
news item 3: i miss all my 小/大弟弟们. and my 妹妹. but i wouldnt say im really homesick. yet.
news item 4: i was absolutely so very productive yesterday as i had friends over pretty much literally from 2:30 to 1 yesterday. THATS RIGHT 2:30 TO 1, THATS NOT BACKWARDS. yeah. except for that break in which i went to little sparks, which was epic.
i forgot the rest of them. 39 days til i come back!
i also decided that if im premed out of obedience to God, then i should put my all into it. that means i should try a little harder in class, maybe. but just because i dont care about hw as much as i used to, does that mean i'm not trying as hard? just because i dont put as much emotional energy into class, does that mean i'm not doing as well? aye, there's the rub. cuz my grades didnt drop my senior year when i put less emotional energy into class.
anyway, the point is that out of obedience to God, i should watch my grades and not be too lazy. except i still think he wants me to have a life, so i will. THAT MEANS I NEED TO STUDY FOR MY MIDTERMS sigh ok. (jk im not that grudging.)
and we did review in math today. like review review, whatever that means. that came completely unexpected (after mr stark), and i am tempted to say that i think college is officially easier than high school now, except its only week three (how long will i have to wait before i have the right to judge college?).
JESUS LOVES YOUUUU. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pyLJlkYv8hw
hello, real world. today i realized in a new way that economically i am actually quite well off. cupertino is a bubble and i didnt really realize it before, even though i thought i did. ok first of all cupertino is full of million dollar houses. everyone i know from back home is rich enough to live there, so i actually dont have much experience with lower income families (or do i?). ive always been told that we're upper-middle class. still middle class right? we're pretty well off but we're not THAT rich, right? wrong. i used to think six digit income was pretty normal. its not. i used to wonder why there was a reduced lunch program because no one uses it. ppl do. i was surprised by how high my expected family contribution was according to fafsa, due to my dad's gross underestimation of our possible financial output, but compared to some ppl's here, my efc is simply alarming. as in being more than 20 times the efc of some ppl here, ppl i thought were on the same economic plane as me. alarming. i did not know. and maybe there's ppl like that in cupertino too, i dont know. i dont know. my world is narrow. from the way i was raised, six digits is a norm. less than that seems like its just not enough to live on (it seems to me that we have just enough to live comfortably), but that's not really true. i didnt know. man, its weird. its a whole new world. i have friends who financially apparently have much less than me but from what i see, they have no significant lack in anything. theyre not poor. in fact from what i see here, they live like i do. but somehow my efc comes out more than 20 times theirs. i guess that means we probably have tons of money hoarded up somewhere (come to think of it, i think counting all our assets, we're millionaires...). dude i dunno its weird to think of myself as rich. in cupertino im not really counted as rich. and i dont really live that way (or do i?). but i guess elsewhere i am. anyway. i noticed a new corner of the real world today. thank you. ill be more generous.
yeah it was me lol.
Whatever You're Doing - Sanctus Real
[It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender]
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly
Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
[Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears]
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
if i havent made it clear already, I LOVE UCSD and college life is agreeing with me considerably. i thought i would be much more homesick by now, but i'm not. only a little, and occasionally. now if only i could transport all my old friends here, life would be perfect. this is the perfect balance between summer and school. i feel like its summer still because i have minimal stress, except i have enough stuff to do to occupy me moderately. perfect. i can go out every night and hang out or whatever, and the workload doesnt get any worse. life is sweet. and i love meeting new ppl and soaking in the FALL weather (hah, silicon valley people, thats right, a season other than summer and rainy. jealous?) and everythings awesome and nice and rosy and stuffs.
perhaps i'm misjudging college because its only week two, but seriously this is way easier than mv. heck, this is easier than fifth grade. i am not kidding about that. except i already bombed my first math quiz but oh well its only a quiz. anyway. hope it gets harder otherwise im really going to stop trying.
already i'm forgetting what its like to live in sleepy cupertino. except la jolla is about as sleepy, except with more things going on (lol?).
how empty it is to do homework all day. like i did in mv, mostly. i dont even remember anything. tsktsk.
but really, cupertino seems like a dream to me now. sorry, cupertino ppl. i barely remember your colors now. the memory's getting fuzzier every day... warm and fuzzy! you still hold warm and fuzzy memories. :]
ok sd's nice and easy and all, but if i go premed, maybe i should pay more attention to class.... but on the other hand, if God wants me to go that way, i can fail college and still end up there. or should i be doing my part in obeying him by working harder?
BUT SERIOUSLY, GOD, PREMED???
part of me really wants to settle down as fast as possible, in a job and family. forget grad school.
part of me wants to hang around in school longer so i can mess around more and meet more ppl and have a longer time in this mission setting.
but going to med school is like moving to college all over again, and seriously, who knows where it's going to take me this time. i dont want to move around and leave friends every four years cuz thats lame. plus i hear horror stories of med school. but then, i heard horror stories of chem honors, and physics honors, and college, and all that too, and none of it was true.
so that means, if God wants me in med school, all i have to do is apply to one and ill get in, right? no competition? i should try that.
in fact, i think i will try that. my life is in a disarray already. i have no idea where it's going anymore. thats a little scary. back in hs, it was like, oh im going to college. now im in college and until a week ago, i was like oh im gonna get my teaching credentials and teach yay. now God's like messed everything up and shaken my world around and i have absolutely no idea where i will be four years from now. maybe in africa, that's as likely as california. but ok. its a little uncomfortable to not know, but i can deal with it. to infinity, and beyond. wherever that is.
anyway. chemistry. is getting to me. now i need to. go do chemistry.
oh you know how gupta always said ChemIsTry? well. my chem prof is like, its no use to try. you have to do it. dont try.
anyway. funny thing is, before i approached her, i had a passing thought in my head that she might tell me she grew up catholic or something. and then i approached her for reals, and she told me she went to a catholic school. which is interesting. dunno if i can account that to God speaking to me, or if i just made that up and it happened to be true. anyway. that was random.
so there you go. resolution to the previous post. sort of.
the small dilemma is this: God wants me to go to the sick girl in the neighboring suite and ask if i can pray for her.
the big dilemma is this: God wants me to abandon plans of being a teacher and go the medical route so i can pray for sick ppl.
the underlying problem here is that God has called me to pray for ppl to heal them of physical sickness.
AM I CRAZY????
yeah. giving up my life to a God who thinks things i dont begin to understand was crazy. but its cool.
but seriously, what kind of doctor heals his patients by praying for them? who ever heard of any such thing. and why would i go through med school and all that just so i can heal them by praying? God's shrugging at me right now. meaning i dont need to know. fine.
back to the girl in the other suite. she thinks she has swine flu, which is def a possibility. sorry im evading the point now. but God, this is scary as hell. it has never occurred to me to pray for a nonchristian like this before. ive only done it for believing christians, which is less scary because theyre not like wth if you say can i pray for you.
anyway. the thing it boils down to is this: do i obey God or do i not?
on the one hand, i wanna party all the time (clean party lol) and overall enjoy life and BEEE HAPPYYYYYY. soak in the joy of the Lord and his blessings. as advised by solomon in ecclesiastes.
on the other hand, paul, who is my hero and role model after jesus, went on mission trips and got thrown in jail and beaten and stuff for believing what he did and telling others about it. there is suffering involved for sure.
is the first one actually about me enjoying myself and loving myself like any human would? should i not be playing around all the time and rather doing scary and risky things for jesus? should i be more purpose driven in my everyday life? or is this one of those periods of blessing so i shouldnt be seeking suffering? i cant help but think i'm doing something wrong because i'm not encountering opposition and i'm enjoying myself so much. i said my days here belong to him, but i feel like it doesnt really because i'm just having fun, really. following jesus involves sacrifice and other difficult things. maybe i'm in the relationship building stage so there's nothing really hard involved now? it also seems wrong to not enjoy the blessings he pours out on me. are these two even mutually exclusive? maybe its a cycle?
actually, the original philosophy was to enjoy today, but keep eternity in mind. i suppose that does include both sides. hmm... i suppose suffering is sometimes a result of keeping eternity in mind. and i cant help but think if paul was singing while he was in jail, maybe he was enjoying himself too. lol.
populations history.... is like wth. goes too deep into political and economic implications of race for my liking. its one of those classes in which you have to think, and think something. like make an opinion on a controversial topic and write a paper on it. nooooo.... 40% of my grade is on two papers. yay. theres tons of reading too. yay. no textbook, so i have to print them all out. yay. i will have compiled a textbook by the end of this quarter. if i dont run out of paper first. yay. btw all those yays are sarcastic.
so the good news is that i changed my grading option to pass/fail for this class. hm maybe i shouldnt do that because it reminds me a lot of mccowns class where i think im gonna fail cuz i dont wanna think about what im doing, and then i get the highest score in the class on a paper i wrote the night before. ... hmmmmmm. as long as i can get those papers down, ill be good in the class. ... yeah actually i think i can do it. mccown said she graded my papers like she would a college freshman's. i guess that means im ok. i will take a risk and change it back to letter grade. what a fuzzy insecure feeling i have right now but ok.
also, im going to the beach tonight. ppl here go to the beach like ppl in cupertino go to get froyo. thats only slightly exaggerated.
also, i concluded that i will indeed gain the freshman fifteen, but in leg muscle from walking those stairs all day every day. watch me.
iv last night was awesome and it was like the size of all hoc retreat. it was the size of two mv auditoriums. or three. ...yeah. but the speaker was awesome and he said a bunch of things that hit me right there because it's like exactly what God told me beforehand and i was like, THAT is for me right there. but yeah. they went out to bjs for pizookie later. apparently they rented the whole restaurant. THATS how big iv is.
BUT YES BUT YES BUT YES I MET A GUY WITH A KEYBOARD IN HIS ROOM except the adapters broken atm BUT I THINK I JUST MET MY NEW BFFL jk.
that is all.
OH AND DID I MENTION THAT HE'S A BROTHER IN CHRIST TOO YEAHHHHH.
sd is awesome and i love it. arrived friday late afternoon and found out they werent checking out carts anymore so i called soomin to see if she could help me move my stuff to the 5th floor, and apparently she just happened to be with her iv small group helping ppl at revelle move in yay, so i got my boxes up w/o touching a single one, thank you guys. and i met my roommate and unpacked. shes cool. iv invited us to in-n-outs, but my moms friends family, whos daughter is also a freshman at revelle, invited me out to dinner also, so i went with them and it was cool and stuff.
the room is bigger than i expected, and almost as good as the one i had at berkeley, which was hotel status. the beds are so high. its like up to my ribs when i stand, thats how tall. i can fit all my boxes/suitcases under it w/o breaking down anything. its just hard to get onto. and yeah. if you wanna see my awesome room which i have decorated by now, webcam me. :] i seriously have pictures plastered on all possible surfaces, including the inside of my wardrobe hehe. our bathroom is shared between TWO suites (13 ppl) and the shower stalls.... well theres two and the partition between them is made of fuzzy glass. -_- AND only the actual shower stalls are separated. you come out directly into the same area. meaning you dress and undress in the same place. WTF THATS SO LAME. ok yeah. yay 8am classes maybe ill take my showers at 7am. maybe.
and then on sunday i went to visit soomins church called coast vineyard and it was SOOOOO AWESOMEEEEE esp the worship. totally spiritfilled. walked in late and started crying right away cuz of the movement of the holy spirit, yep. and the ppl were really nice and welcoming and it was very comfortable and stuff and they gave me a cd yay. AND i saw oliver and said hi. he has a mohawk when did that happen lol. yeah i really like it and i wanna stay, but i think im gonna look around more, in case God wants to lead me elsewhere. and then i spent the rest of the day walking around looking for stuff.... floor and college meetings.... stuff... yeah.
and then today i went to take my japanese placement exam and missed the building so i stopped to look at a map in marshall.... and this random guy comes up and hes like it looks like your looking at a map. are you trying to find a place? and he was really nice and he walked me to the building. apparently he was giving out flyers for another christian group called the upper room. yay the christians on campus are such awesome reps of jesus. :]] to make a long story short, since i forgot a lot of my jap4h stuff, they recommended 20a this quarter for review, or self review and take 20b winter quarter. im doing option 2. before the interview when they graded my hearing exam they said 20c or 130a. lol. apparently my listening is better than speaking.
yeah and then i spent a long time walking to marshall to have lunch with dongjia and her friends, and then back to revelle. seriously, i think ucsd is the size of cupertino. really tired now. again. walking up and down 5 stories like 10 times a day.... and yeah.
AND THE PIANO ROOMS ARENT OPEN FOR CHECKOUT YET i think im gonna die.
ok yeah enough for now. on the first day i talked on the phone for over 2 hours cuz ppl kept calling me haha. good thing it was saturday... so yeah, less phone if you can help it on weekdays (except nights) because i only have my cell phone now. i used like 200 min over the given 550 when i went to doctor camp. hooray for rolled over minutes to fall back on... yeah.
i am leaving tomorrow i will miss you cupertino ppl, love you all. :[
why did i not announce this earlier? because its not esp exciting to have one set.
why do i want two? i like the way it looks. in fact i feel like i am in an awkward transitional phase right now with only one. that is why there are no pictures.
why did i only get one today? so i dont scare you guys too much. or my parents for that matter. itll be too sudden, as you will probably agree. BUT NEXT YEAR. actually we'll see if i still feel like it.
why did i do it today of all days? because im going to college and ppl there do not have expectations of me to fit any mold, and when i come home and ppl at home see it, theyll just assume its because college has changed me and they havent seen me in a while so it's not so random. this is the easiest time for me to change myself. my outward self i mean. i am working on the wardrobe.
please keep in mind that i am still the same person you already know, despite outward changes, however shocking they may be (im trying to keep the shock factor low). if you do not appreciate my outward changes, then you do not appreciate me for me, as a living and changing person.
am i trying to fit an image? if i change my appearance, i change it to please myself, not to fit in with a certain group. i do what strikes my fancy, and my tastes do change. therefore, i am trying to create an image of who i am now, not someone i want to be.
isnt it un-God-centered to do things to please myself (as in the way i phrased the above question)? i love God so much that for the most part, what pleases me will also please him.
now dont say i didnt warn you in case i decide to change myself drastically in college (which i do not foresee due to budget but is possible, depending on your definition of drastic). that being said, im not promising any changes either.
7pm: dinner at bjs
9pm: go to jollyman park to break a cute dinosaur pinata... in the dark.
9:15pm: spend forever trying to throw the rope over the branch of a tree with the aid of an umbrella. ... under a street lamp. looks like we're trying to do something illegal, but we werent. also sounds like we're drunk or something sometimes, but we werent. i tried to climb the tree and my feet slipped off except my arm was stuck in a fork of the tree so i didnt die. i have battle scars now.
9:30pm: hang and beat, aka lynch, the cute dinosaur pinata with an umbrella... under a street lamp in a deserted park. nothing illegal involved, despite appearances.
9:40pm: break the umbrella. and then break the pinata. ... under the same street lamp.
9:50pm: stick the head of the dead dinosaur on the end of the fence... like in lord of the flies. pose and take pictures with it. in the dark. marvel over the nerds spilling out of the hole in the top of the head like brains.
10:10pm: decide to go to memorial park to play risk. in the dark.
at this point i decided to desert them. sorry guys, but i hope youre having fun. for all i know, theyre probably still there right now, playing risk in the dark. and i thought my other friends were crazy lol.
anyway in case your curious you can barely tell anything happened to my car because the fronts already scratched up so much that the recent addition doesnt change the landscape much. this only sucks because she was upset. if she wasnt upset it would go right over my head and i would barely remember to tell my parents. i hate making ppl upset. i mean hate there quite literally. i dont care if i messed up my car, and i dont care if i have to pay her hundreds of dollars and my insurance goes up. but the fact that she was upset ugh. she was also very suspicious of me and thought i was gonna drive off when i backed up and tried to park my car properly next to her car before i got out to talk. and she wouldnt give me her name either. sigh i feel very bad. she wouldnt accept my apology either.