hm so i am beginning to think that maybe my philosophies of enjoying life while loving God, and of being a missionary where every day belongs to jesus conflicts with each other.
on the one hand, i wanna party all the time (clean party lol) and overall enjoy life and BEEE HAPPYYYYYY. soak in the joy of the Lord and his blessings. as advised by solomon in ecclesiastes.
on the other hand, paul, who is my hero and role model after jesus, went on mission trips and got thrown in jail and beaten and stuff for believing what he did and telling others about it. there is suffering involved for sure.
is the first one actually about me enjoying myself and loving myself like any human would? should i not be playing around all the time and rather doing scary and risky things for jesus? should i be more purpose driven in my everyday life? or is this one of those periods of blessing so i shouldnt be seeking suffering? i cant help but think i'm doing something wrong because i'm not encountering opposition and i'm enjoying myself so much. i said my days here belong to him, but i feel like it doesnt really because i'm just having fun, really. following jesus involves sacrifice and other difficult things. maybe i'm in the relationship building stage so there's nothing really hard involved now? it also seems wrong to not enjoy the blessings he pours out on me. are these two even mutually exclusive? maybe its a cycle?
actually, the original philosophy was to enjoy today, but keep eternity in mind. i suppose that does include both sides. hmm... i suppose suffering is sometimes a result of keeping eternity in mind. and i cant help but think if paul was singing while he was in jail, maybe he was enjoying himself too. lol.