uh am i delusional or are there people drinking in my bathroom?
wishlist for christmas:
time to be azn for a day and face the facts. 65% is a bad score to be a third of your course grade.
time to stop being azn. thats 5% better than expected and i can still reasonably hope for an a/b in the class. but even if i dont get that, somehow that doesnt bother me. i learned something about the rms speed of molecules in a nonideal gas. that, of course, makes failing the class totally ok.
on the other hand, maybe i should study more than two hours the night before next time.


a little busy lately. i have an essay, which constantly makes me feel like i have more to do, so i'm like being more workaholic than i have been since... high school. actually thats not saying much, BUT AT LEAST I'M WORKING (even if slowly) MOST (relatively speaking) OF MY (free?) TIME NOW. what i mean is i'm focusing and getting stuff done, sort of, and depriving myself (also relatively speaking) of fb now. which is why i'm being slow in answering emails and wall posts and everything, sorry.

yeah i didnt even understand my essay prompts when i first saw it. there were two and i couldnt tell the diff. and i didnt know half the terms it was using. good thing i changed the grading option to pass/fail on the last day possible, right? so i signed up for a time slot in the prof's office hours to ask her. on my way up to her office after class, i was reading and rereading the prompts, trying desperately to understand the prompts enough to formulate real questions to ask. by the time i got to her office, i understood the prompts and i didnt have to ask anymore lol. she didnt show up anyway, so i didnt have to face her intimidating presence w/o a legit question to ask.

btw, curves are awesome. the grading kind, not the graphical kind...



ok i am throwing out a desperate prayer request for waterwalkers. from what i hear, it's not going well at all. also heard some not so encouraging things about afc. it makes my heart ache. whyyyyy... things are so awesome here. why arent they awesome in cupertino too?? high school kids just not mature enough?? maybe, maybe not. anyway. ask me if you want more details. tell me if you have news about either, or any more specific requests. i am going to start seriously praying for these two.


everyone back at mv is like swamped. meanwhile, i'm often bored for lack of stuff to do. reminds me of the good old days when i had so much going on that even finding 20 min a weekend to help my dad pick persimmons or something was a strain. life was dense. something is wrong with this picture. why do little kids (relatively speaking? lol) get so swamped that they cant even think straight anymore, when the almost adults can easily find time to hang out and mess around literally everyday? (disclaimer: i am speaking from personal experience and dont claim to speak for everyone. i know not everyone experiences this.) life is weird. society is weird. ok fine ill be straightforward. society is messed up. i could complain a lot, but that doesnt do much, so i wont list everything i think is wrong with america. college being easier than high school the very least of these, if its even on the list.

it's ok, ill have an essay to write next week.

oh and i dont mean that the course content is easier than it was at mv. its def not. but the workload is much easier.


my printer ran out of ink already... it was a new cartridge when i came here but 5 weeks ago... lol. i swear, i have already printed out a textbook by now haha. AND i have used up just about all the paper i brought...

so i took my chem midterm this morning and it wasnt as bad as i'd expected, but then again, i expected to not even understand about half of the problems. and then i was very braindead. and then i went to lunch on the other side of campus WITH MY FRIEND NAMED ELENA WHOM I HAVENT SEEN SINCE 5TH GRADE, except once by accident at safeway like in 6th or 7th grade. :]] i also discovered that somehow cupertino doesnt end at de anza blvd. wth im so confused. where does it end then? ...
i miss my sister more than all of you.


i feel like a traitor for saying this, but i am so happy here that i almost dont want to go home for thanksgiving. except itll be nice to see bay area friends again. why am i not homesick???? very unexpected.

yesterday i got my math midterm back, and it was a low b, which i was totally ok with, until i realized that most of my grade is two midterms and the final, and that i was also trying to get into med school. so i was like hm maybe i should study more. but then today in class i was reminded that everything is curved. so i dont have to study yay.


i just had the weirdest bowl of pho i have ever encountered in my life before. the noodles were 米粉. the soup tasted like cinnamon. they had the nerve to call it pho.
last night i was TRYING to go back to my room, so i went up the stairs i usually take, but for some reason i thought i was going up the other set of stairs when i got to the top, and since argo is more or less symmetical, i couldnt really tell the difference at the top. i stood at the top of the stairs thinking, should i go back to my room first, or should i stop by neilsons room to get the solutions manual? i decided to go back to my room, so i went to what i thought was my suite, except the door was closed and i was too lazy to get my card out, so i went through the door of what i thought was the adjoining suite, since it was open...... only to find myself in a guys suite. can you imagine how confused i was. lol. half of me was rather embarrassed and wanted to leave very quickly, but luckily it just so happened to be neilsons suite, so i was like hm maybe ill just pretend i meant to come here and get the solutions manual i was going to get anyway? also very luckily, he happened to be on his way out, so before i could decide, he had given me the solutions manual. ... so disillusioned.

also i had guava last night. REAL guava. it tasted like a plant. ...not at all like guava juice lol.

shoutout to bryan for finally telling his mom that he's christian and not getting owned for it as expected. :]]]]]] yayyy bryan.

some stalkerish ppl somehow managed to send me a care package in the middle of bible study last night via another person in the bible study. how the heck did they know i was with jeff?? like he got up, went outside, and came back with a package in the middle of luke 10. wth. lol.


highlights from the weekend:

1. i have bruises on my forearms from playing vball. yay vball.

2. i had korean tofu soup stuff 2 nights ago. yay korean food. so good after dining hall food.

3. costco has cheap food. yay costco.

4. i saw a british columbia license plate at costco. yay british columbia lol.

5. i went to harbor presbyterian church yesterday and their congregation is pretty small, so they actually ask for prayer requests and individually pray for those requests during service. pretty cool.

6. i also got about nothing done this weekend.

7. im starting to get guitar callouses on my fingers yay.

8. psych class is apparently cancelled today. again. i havent had this class in a week. my midterm is also postponed. we are extremely behind schedule.

9. i am extremely happy here.


news item 1: i have found my fellowship, 90% probably. its called little sparks and dude, we talked about being a missionary to our neighbors, and loving them, and we brainstormed a plethora of ideas to love all the diff ppl in our lives. we talked about getting into their culture to better minister to them. if that means going to a party with alcohol to get to know your friends better, be there for them, and make them realize that you dont judge their choices (in other words, love them)...... well i could get in trouble for saying this. haha. yes, if you know me, you can see why i love this fellowship and why it sticks out to me. it is by far the most down to earth fellowship i have ever encountered, and their goal of reaching out to nonchristians is my goal, but yet they challenge me to be more radical in the ways i love others. i think i have found my mission team. :]

news item 2: last night i stayed up til 1 playing the sentence game with nancy and neilson. the results are on facebook. yay. i love college life.

news item 3: i miss all my 小/大弟弟们. and my 妹妹. but i wouldnt say im really homesick. yet.

news item 4: i was absolutely so very productive yesterday as i had friends over pretty much literally from 2:30 to 1 yesterday. THATS RIGHT 2:30 TO 1, THATS NOT BACKWARDS. yeah. except for that break in which i went to little sparks, which was epic.

i forgot the rest of them. 39 days til i come back!


i visited my friend's off-campus apartment and i rode in her car and i realized that i havent ridden in/driven a car for like a month... and that made me a little homesick. the area looks a little like cupertino too. like stevens creek/de anza. hm i miss driving.
i have too much pride in me.


i learned something about myself. i remember faces better than i do names. maybe because everyone has about the same name. jk. but, oh no, thats a right brain function. jk.

i also decided that if im premed out of obedience to God, then i should put my all into it. that means i should try a little harder in class, maybe. but just because i dont care about hw as much as i used to, does that mean i'm not trying as hard? just because i dont put as much emotional energy into class, does that mean i'm not doing as well? aye, there's the rub. cuz my grades didnt drop my senior year when i put less emotional energy into class.

anyway, the point is that out of obedience to God, i should watch my grades and not be too lazy. except i still think he wants me to have a life, so i will. THAT MEANS I NEED TO STUDY FOR MY MIDTERMS sigh ok. (jk im not that grudging.)

and we did review in math today. like review review, whatever that means. that came completely unexpected (after mr stark), and i am tempted to say that i think college is officially easier than high school now, except its only week three (how long will i have to wait before i have the right to judge college?).

JESUS LOVES YOUUUU. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pyLJlkYv8hw


I GOT BROWNIES IN THE MAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! is that not the most awesomest thing since jesus or what?
according to my psych textbook, left brain is associated with positive emotions, while right brain is associated with negative emotions. i am clearly left brained in the way i think and function, if you know me. is that why im a happy person in general? interesting. is that why artists and creative ppl (right brained) always seem to be depressed and stuff (just look at how many famous writers were crazy)? interesting.


dude i saw pastor owen today. is that not the randomest thing ever or what?


[at the risk of offending some ppl. dont be offended. i was ignorant and you have enlightened me, sort of.]

hello, real world. today i realized in a new way that economically i am actually quite well off. cupertino is a bubble and i didnt really realize it before, even though i thought i did. ok first of all cupertino is full of million dollar houses. everyone i know from back home is rich enough to live there, so i actually dont have much experience with lower income families (or do i?). ive always been told that we're upper-middle class. still middle class right? we're pretty well off but we're not THAT rich, right? wrong. i used to think six digit income was pretty normal. its not. i used to wonder why there was a reduced lunch program because no one uses it. ppl do. i was surprised by how high my expected family contribution was according to fafsa, due to my dad's gross underestimation of our possible financial output, but compared to some ppl's here, my efc is simply alarming. as in being more than 20 times the efc of some ppl here, ppl i thought were on the same economic plane as me. alarming. i did not know. and maybe there's ppl like that in cupertino too, i dont know. i dont know. my world is narrow. from the way i was raised, six digits is a norm. less than that seems like its just not enough to live on (it seems to me that we have just enough to live comfortably), but that's not really true. i didnt know. man, its weird. its a whole new world. i have friends who financially apparently have much less than me but from what i see, they have no significant lack in anything. theyre not poor. in fact from what i see here, they live like i do. but somehow my efc comes out more than 20 times theirs. i guess that means we probably have tons of money hoarded up somewhere (come to think of it, i think counting all our assets, we're millionaires...). dude i dunno its weird to think of myself as rich. in cupertino im not really counted as rich. and i dont really live that way (or do i?). but i guess elsewhere i am. anyway. i noticed a new corner of the real world today. thank you. ill be more generous.


i was randomly listening to the radio while doing math hw, and feeling confused and disturbed in general due to way God is shaking up my life, and the dj was like somebody needs to hear this song right now... and that somebody might be you!
yeah it was me lol.

Whatever You're Doing - Sanctus Real

[It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender]

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...


[Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears]

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
it occurred to me last night that i'm missing the big picture. the point wasnt to become a doctor or whatever. the point was to pray for sick ppl by becoming a doctor or whatever. haha im scared all over again now. maybe God just wants me to pray for them and make them feel better. or maybe God wants to heal through me which might possibly lead to many problems like fame or whatever. i hope the media never contacts me.


time for overall reflection of the college life because i am not in math class like my schedule says i should be and i need a break from reading about childbirth (developmental psych, lol).

if i havent made it clear already, I LOVE UCSD and college life is agreeing with me considerably. i thought i would be much more homesick by now, but i'm not. only a little, and occasionally. now if only i could transport all my old friends here, life would be perfect. this is the perfect balance between summer and school. i feel like its summer still because i have minimal stress, except i have enough stuff to do to occupy me moderately. perfect. i can go out every night and hang out or whatever, and the workload doesnt get any worse. life is sweet. and i love meeting new ppl and soaking in the FALL weather (hah, silicon valley people, thats right, a season other than summer and rainy. jealous?) and everythings awesome and nice and rosy and stuffs.

perhaps i'm misjudging college because its only week two, but seriously this is way easier than mv. heck, this is easier than fifth grade. i am not kidding about that. except i already bombed my first math quiz but oh well its only a quiz. anyway. hope it gets harder otherwise im really going to stop trying.

already i'm forgetting what its like to live in sleepy cupertino. except la jolla is about as sleepy, except with more things going on (lol?).

how empty it is to do homework all day. like i did in mv, mostly. i dont even remember anything. tsktsk.

but really, cupertino seems like a dream to me now. sorry, cupertino ppl. i barely remember your colors now. the memory's getting fuzzier every day... warm and fuzzy! you still hold warm and fuzzy memories. :]

ok sd's nice and easy and all, but if i go premed, maybe i should pay more attention to class.... but on the other hand, if God wants me to go that way, i can fail college and still end up there. or should i be doing my part in obeying him by working harder?


maybe pre-nursing?

part of me really wants to settle down as fast as possible, in a job and family. forget grad school.

part of me wants to hang around in school longer so i can mess around more and meet more ppl and have a longer time in this mission setting.

but going to med school is like moving to college all over again, and seriously, who knows where it's going to take me this time. i dont want to move around and leave friends every four years cuz thats lame. plus i hear horror stories of med school. but then, i heard horror stories of chem honors, and physics honors, and college, and all that too, and none of it was true.

so that means, if God wants me in med school, all i have to do is apply to one and ill get in, right? no competition? i should try that.

in fact, i think i will try that. my life is in a disarray already. i have no idea where it's going anymore. thats a little scary. back in hs, it was like, oh im going to college. now im in college and until a week ago, i was like oh im gonna get my teaching credentials and teach yay. now God's like messed everything up and shaken my world around and i have absolutely no idea where i will be four years from now. maybe in africa, that's as likely as california. but ok. its a little uncomfortable to not know, but i can deal with it. to infinity, and beyond. wherever that is.


it occurred to me today that if the theory of evolution is just a theory, then the atomic theory that everything is made of atoms and the kinetic gas theory or whatever its called are also just theories and are therefore on the same plane as evolution. but no one questions the validity of the atomic theory. everyone takes it as truth. therefore it makes sense for scientists to take evolution as truth. except it seems somewhat less backed up by evidence than the atomic theory. but yeah. saying evolution is just a theory and therefore no scientific weight should be placed on it is preposterous, as much as the idea of evolution itself is preposterous.

anyway. chemistry. is getting to me. now i need to. go do chemistry.

oh you know how gupta always said ChemIsTry? well. my chem prof is like, its no use to try. you have to do it. dont try.

ok bye


yay flying back for christmas with my roommate. :]]


i just talked with my ra and found out that shes a christian, like really a christian who likes jesus more than church????? awesomeness.
yeah i did it. OMGSH I DID SOMETHING SCARY FOR JESUS WHOOOO. so now she thinks im a very nice person, but seriously, God, just heal her and astound us with your power cuz being a nice person means nothing. i can be nice w/o being awkward and saying can i pray for you to someone i met a week ago. i dont just want her to think im a very nice person, i want her to be captured by God's love and power. i want her to taste the reality of God.

anyway. funny thing is, before i approached her, i had a passing thought in my head that she might tell me she grew up catholic or something. and then i approached her for reals, and she told me she went to a catholic school. which is interesting. dunno if i can account that to God speaking to me, or if i just made that up and it happened to be true. anyway. that was random.

so there you go. resolution to the previous post. sort of.
i have a dilemma. i have a big dilemma that is long term and can wait, and i have a small dilemma that must be dealt with now.

the small dilemma is this: God wants me to go to the sick girl in the neighboring suite and ask if i can pray for her.

the big dilemma is this: God wants me to abandon plans of being a teacher and go the medical route so i can pray for sick ppl.

the underlying problem here is that God has called me to pray for ppl to heal them of physical sickness.


yeah. giving up my life to a God who thinks things i dont begin to understand was crazy. but its cool.

but seriously, what kind of doctor heals his patients by praying for them? who ever heard of any such thing. and why would i go through med school and all that just so i can heal them by praying? God's shrugging at me right now. meaning i dont need to know. fine.

back to the girl in the other suite. she thinks she has swine flu, which is def a possibility. sorry im evading the point now. but God, this is scary as hell. it has never occurred to me to pray for a nonchristian like this before. ive only done it for believing christians, which is less scary because theyre not like wth if you say can i pray for you.

anyway. the thing it boils down to is this: do i obey God or do i not?


wow 5 straight hours of chem. and i only managed to finish chapters two and three. lol. thursday is such a dead day.