last night was fun. good to see everyone again. i was getting tired of doing nothing over break. thank you wesley for sharing. i'm sorry for lying during worship because i sang the words w/o knowing what i was singing. break has not been good for my spiritual life, somehow.

in other news, i'm sick and not feeling good.

on the plane ride this morning, during the descent, my right ear wouldnt pop. all the way to the ground, it wouldnt pop. it was so painful. i thought my eardrum was going to pop from pressure difference. it wouldnt pop til like an hour after we landed. painful. and i was half deaf for that hour too.

but yeah. heard it was freezing and raining in la jolla yesterday, but i wasnt here to witness it. its back to normal today.


I GOT A GUITAR!!!!!!!!!!!! that was very unexpected. my dad was like you want a guitar? lets buy a guitar. lol God's pretty cool. many things i ask for i receive. not to say that God's a vending machine, but he does love to bless his children. i wasnt even like I REALLY WANT A GUITAR. it was just like, well a guitar would be cool. and yeah, it fell into my hands. :] you know what else would be cool? mp3 player or ipod or something. i didnt mention that to anyone because it seemed so trivial. and yesterday my dad was randomly like, you know, we have a $200 giftcard to apple, you want anything? ............ wth lol.

today was black friday and we spent hundreds of dollars in one morning. amazing. my dad is somewhat less stingy than he used to be, thats interesting. i'm finding that i'm more stingy than him now. he's like $25 shoes!!! buy more!!! and i'm like uh i thought the $10 range was more acceptable. but ok, whatever, stimulate the economy. i bought three pairs of shoes, is that overkill or what. i will abstain from buying shoes for 12 months.

in other news, i skipped my opc for one morning, the first morning i got home, and i got sick.


a few more things:
1) the ocean is more polluted up here than it is down near sd.
2) i get azn glow.
3) i baked a million cookies.
4) cupertino has more seasons than la jolla.
a few things:
1. it feels like christmas here
2. it feels like i never left
3. first night after getting home i dream about school lol
4. i squished cocoa
5. i played my piano
6. i hung out with my friends
7. i made cookie dough to bake later
8. i drove
9. played taboo
10. played speed scrabble
11. played ninja
12. played smash
13. played apples to apples
14. now i realize how dirty/messy my house is and am determined to clean it up before i leave
15. i met another guy from lowell/ucsd on the plane
16. i met two other people from ucsd at the airport in san diego
17. I MANAGED TO PICK OUT MV AND KENNEDY AND LINCOLN FROM THE AIRPLANEE!!!! no joke. i was like oh that looks like 280. oh look its two schools next to each other. wait the layout of that one looks a lot like kennedy. wait the layout of the other one next to it looks a lot like mv. wait that must be lincoln next to it. oh look theres where 85 connects with 280. OMGSH IT IS MV AND KENNEDY.
18. picked persimmons
19. burned a candle

numbers 4-13, 19 all before i went to bed last night. :] i am so efficient at accomplishing things. and number 2 is due to numbers 4-13.


whyyyyyyy am i taking ethn1a pass/fail. -______________- i just got back my first essay and i am doing exceptionally well in that class. exceptionally. better than any other class, even psych with the open note take home midterm. i'm so confused. did she even read the essay?? rawr. i am about to get a solid A w/o a curve in this class and i am taking it pass fail so it doesnt go into my gpa. sad. note to self: take more risks.

in other news, sound wasnt very good at cup of culture last night and i couldnt hear myself. but apparently everyone else could. as in... only my voice came out mostly? thats scary. i am scared to watch any recording. and very sadly, people said they couldnt hear the words, which in my opinion was the best part. so maybe i made a fool of myself, but practicing was fun.


i called my grandma today.

[translated from chinese]
grandma: do you have friends?
me: of course
grandma: no i mean, that kind of friend
me: ... you mean a boyfriend?
grandma: yeah
me: lol no.
grandma: ok well it's time to start thinking about that
me: .... lol ok
grandma: yeah, it's time to start looking into things
me: ok i know
grandma: and maybe start looking around and considering people
me: ok
grandma: and then maybe discuss it with him.
me: ok
grandma: understand?
me: yeah.
grandma: ok good.
me: but i want a good one so i'm going to take my time
grandma: of course of course, but its time to start thinking about it.
me: lol ok.
grandma: understand?
me: yes
grandma: so study hard and start looking for a boyfriend
me: ok
grandma: got it?
me: yeah
grandma: ok that's it for now. bye
me: bye

what the heck lol.

on another note, i watched twelfth night just now. that was fun. it was strikingly similar to comedy of errors tho.

on another other note, i went to coast today instead of harbor cuz i wanted to get back in time to watch twelfth night. i am so glad i went. she talked about surrendering to jesus to the point of persecution and humiliation and even death. hard to capture in a blog post but it was cool. nothing ive never heard before, but a good reminder. and at the end shes like if you are committing to surrender your life to jesus (and all that) please come to the front so we can pray for you. i went to the front and stood around and this one lady on the prayer team approached me. i didnt mean to talk about being called to the medical field (in fact i didnt mean to talk about anything), but i ended up talking about it anyway, and i talked of how i didnt know what to make of it because it's kind of random and shes like well, i'm a doctor and i pray for my patients. im like OMG REALLY????? thats not coincidence. she said God told her to come and pray for me haha. but yeah. good day.


the uc regents promised more financial aid. i'm trying to find out if people simply dont believe them or it's not happening, because people dont seem to be appeased by it. if there's really more financial aid, i have nothing against this fee hike. if not, then i can understand why students are unhappy. also, some students are apparently misinformed. the girl in this video here: http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/11/19/california.tuition.protests/index.html?eref=rss_topstories&utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+rss%2Fcnn_topstories+%28RSS%3A+Top+Stories%29 was like, oh, theyre raising it 32% this winter, and then another 32% next fall. uhhhhh no..... its two 15% increases, making it a 32% total increase.... so i think maybe some students are just misinformed which is why theyre freaking out. and theyre saying that the admin should take pay cuts instead... but i believe they have already taken pay cuts... and i believe even the state legislature is taking pay cuts due to the state's financial issues. theres other misinfo in this supposedly reliable cnn video. very interesting. like the $10000+ figure they cite as tuition doesnt include fees. uh, that's all fees actually. theres no tuition unless you dont live in california. i know because i pay it. but ok whatever. media is skewed, even if its "reliable."

anyway. went to westfield utc today that was fun. i smell like 20bajillion diff things now cuz they kept giving me samples of lotion and stuff. strawberry on right arm and citrus on left arm haha. anyway. will go back sometime to hang out and get more samples of chocolate. tho its smaller than valley fair. but valley fair takes days to walk through, so its ok. but they dont have a yankee candle shop unfortunately.

btw i think jesus is pretty cool. always.


note to self: studying causes stress. studying raises my expectations for myself which puts me under pressure to do better.
on the one hand, i dont like to be stressed out and its not good for me.
on the other hand, studying probably somewhat raises my test scores.
MARGINAL UTILITY!!! i must optimize this curve to find the amt of studying that has the highest profit margin. i also i dont know what i'm talking about.

anyway MY CHEM EXAM IS OVER WHOOOOOOOOOOOOT. we shall ignore the fact that i have two ethnic studies papers to do for next week and celebrate.


wow. i can totally graduate early. at least one quarter. right now my four year plan says i wont even be a full time student in my fourth year. also interesting: i have absolutely no bio classes frosh and soph years, and then my third and fourth years are almost 100% bio classes. ...what few classes there are anyway. if i graduate early, i can save my dad thousands of dollars, but ill also be missing out of my last quarter (or 2?) of college booo.
anyway, too early to say right now. i shall go back to chem now. its really starting to tire me.
uh something about 32% uc fee increase... my ethnic studies class is cancelled on friday, which is my prof's way of protesting, i guess. something about something going on at ucla right now, voting on fee increase, protests, stuffs. class was scary today because my prof is highly upset about this fee increase thing because it makes less ppl able to go to college, which is apparently racially discriminant because people of lower income are disproportionately people of color or something. anyway. class is cancelled on friday she says. you are to observe the going ons at ucla and write a paper connecting the current uc crisis with the themes we have been studying in class and its due on monday, she says. btw, go to ucla to protest, go to the sleep-in go to whatever, they say. that was class today. people applauded at the end cuz she was so intense and passionate.

anyway. about this fee increase. 1. it wont make much of a diff in my life. 2. capitalism is taking over the world and look what its doing.

today i realized it has a bigger impact than i was aware of. because of my prof's rantings, i now realize that a lot of people really wont be able to afford to go to a uc anymore, and people of color will indeed be disproportionately affected. that sucks.

tho its hard to say if we're having money problems because the govt is being stupid in managing our finances or because the people are being stupid in their votes by wanting capitalism when it comes to taxes and socialism when it comes to social services.

anyway. this sucks. not because i dont want to pay more money, but because it will strain so many other families financially and indeed prevent some people from even getting a uc education.

what if my dad decides to retire like hes been jawing about for the past 5 years.
no way.
what about when my sister goes to college and we have to pay twice as much. thats a little of a strain.
what about when i go to med school.
i have to stop dreaming about the future.
wtf this chem is inscrutable.


i discovered something cool: owl city.


highlights of the weekend:
tae kwon do in argo 543
hiking on a hill w/o trees in a land far far away. hooray for nancy being a mom and helping me pack lunch and do my laundry on this hectic day.
pumpkin pie from julian, ca
eating tons of pumpkin pie because i dont have a fridge to store it. yes i bought a whole pie
drawing up my own 4 year plan for graduation
more pumpkin pie
hanging out with friend from irvine, who happens to be named julian too
spontaneous piano
more spontaneous piano
i miss jesus
introduction to heavy metal music?

not part of my weekend:

minimally part of my weekend:
ethnic studies reading

psych midterm monday (tomorrow!), chem midterm thur. i like to cram, if you so call it that.
jk i studied for psych mostly already. and its not called cramming if i do chem like 2 days before the midterm, right?

oh shoot i forgot to take the ethnic studies reading quiz.

oh jk its not even up. nor is the essay prompt. did the prof die or something...?

so anyway, yes i do miss jesus. devos have not been consistent because i havent been able to focus. why? sorry. i want more jesus. i miss you jesus, sweet lover. after to write love on her arms day, a darker past has been closer to the surface of my mind than it should be. i feel a little fragile, like anything might set me off again. i'm hungry for jesus. jesus erases sadness. jesus fixes the broken. jesus has erased my sadness and fixed my brokenness. jesus loves me.

i love you too, jesus.


if jesus isnt God or God didnt exist or something else similar, i have built my life on nothing, on a lie. i can literally feel my blood pressure going up right now as i consider that. that just makes me so nervous. i think i would die. i think i would go crazy. i think i would feel like some vital part of me was ripped out. and some vital part of me would have been ripped out.

but then a part of me, i think, would automatically beg God to help me through this collapse of my world.

does that even make sense?

he's apparently so firmed ingrained in my very being that i cannot let go of his existence, no matter what doubts come.

or am i mistaken?

i'm confused.

what if i imagined it all. all the experiences i thought i had with him. what if all the times he showed up in real life was just coincidences.

scary as hell. literally. i think i just felt my pupils dilate.

but what if it was all true, and my life is built on truth? how preposterous it would be of me to be thinking this. how tragic it would be for anyone who denied that the truth was true.

this question is of infinite consequence.

if God didnt exist, theres no use to me thinking this. doesnt matter what i believe, it wont make a difference.

if God did exist, literally everything hangs in the balance of whether or not i choose to believe. if he exists and i think he doesnt, i should just go die now. but if he exists and i believe in him, i have everything.

oh what the heck. God obviously exists and i obviously believe it so. you cant deny that someone had to write that dna in order for a complex organism to function, just like you cant deny that someone had to write the code in order for your complex computer to function. what am i thinking.

what a pointless rant.


i have finished the revelle song.

i really miss my grandma. i havent seen her since like 4th grade. shes getting old (88 in 20 days). she doesnt know jesus. shes raising her third generation of kids now and i think she feels underappreciated.

wow think about that. living for 90 years through your own childhood, your kids' childhoods, their kids childhoods, and now seeing the beginning of their kids childhoods. i counted. shes raised 11 kids now. and still at it, heck. my own childhood memories are already fading fast. i wonder if she remembers her own childhood. think about that. one day maybe i'll be her in place. how meaningless life must seem by that point, without a constant jesus and the hope of eternal life. most people you ever knew are probably dead or in some corner of the globe you are not aware of. and soon you'll only be a memory and pretty soon after that, any footprints you've left will have faded away too. if someone doesnt think life is overwhelmingly meaningless by then, they are extraordinarily lacking in any substantial awareness of their humanity. i already find life meaningless beyond words, if not for the hope of something more meaningful beyond this world thats keeping me here. its sad if people dont realize that life is meaningless, but its sadder if they realize and dont find the answer eventually. its my hope that no one would be so foolish as to not realize the meaninglessness of this world, and that everyone who realizes it would find the answer that lies beyond this world, that gives life meaning that doesnt end at death. ask me.
highlights of the weekend so far:

- chinese food after little spark on friday!!! unfortunately, sam woo is more americanized than any chinese restaurant i would choose to go to, but it was ok. dinner at 10:30. got back at 11:45. is that the latest ive ever stayed out here?

- homework and laundry on saturday. i lived in the lounge.

- finally changed out of my pjs when it started getting dark again so i could go to brianas house to BAKE COOKIES heck yes i still have some famous flourless pb cookies if anyone nearby wants any.

- brought our cookies to a dessert potluck/game night at some mansion that some college students live at. jk its a townhouse, but its hecka big for a few college students. arguably bigger than my house at home. two story. but yes it was fun. almost like back at home when i invite too many ppl over to my house by accident. played catchphrase, which is almost taboo, and speed scrabble, yepyep. just like home. unfortunately i was already too full from tasting my cookies that i didnt have space for much more but oh well.

- tenth avenue north is my new favorite band. not for their sound even tho i like that too, cuz seriously, a lot of bands sound alike, but their lyrics capture my heart. everyone knows "by your side," which is very moving, but heres one that ppl dont know so much: times. i actually find the music not that interesting, but the lyrics make it one of my favorites. here's part:
But I hear You say
My love is over
It’s underneath
It’s inside
It’s in between

The times you doubt me
And when you can’t feel
The times that you question
Is this for real?

The times that you’re broken
The times that you mend
The times you hate me
The times that you bend

My love is over
It’s underneath
It’s inside
It’s in between

The times that you’re healing
And when your heart breaks
The times that you feel like you’ve fallen from grace

The times that you’re hurting
The times that you heal
The times you go hungry and are tempted to steal

In times of confusion
In chaos and pain
I’m there in your sorrow under the weight of
your shame

I’m there in your heart-ache
I’m there through the storm
My love I will keep you by my power alone

I don’t care where you’ve fallen or where
you have been
I’ll never forsake you
My love never ends
It never ends
its poetry. but its better with the music so listen to it.

- worship/prayer at the cliffs this morning. it was misty out over the ocean so you couldnt see any line between the ocean and sky, which were about the same color. with the white foam on the shore that looked like the clouds in the sky, its easy to imagine that i stood at the end of the earth the sky literally touched the beach beneath us. or that the ocean extended up over above us. made me very reflective. i didnt feel so much like praying and singing as i did to just sit there and appreciate God without words. esp as i still had the above song playing in my head.

- i just found out that i was supposed to read 50 more pages for ethnic studies oh well ill do that tomorrow morning.

- the rest of today: call my grandma cuz ive been thinking about her a lot lately, and i miss her. write the rest of the revelle song. play piano and bask in his love thats over and underneath, inside and in between.

also, all the walking i do here has finally caused my poppy hip to start to bother me sometimes.



thursdays my off day and i did nothing productive yesterday. this is the reason.

theres this talent show thingy called cup of culture coming up at the end of nov. lylan was trying to get me and/or neilson to play something. somehow she suggested we do a song about revelle. i said if you write the words ill put it to music and we'll play it. and i was half-serious, but i didnt think she'd do it. well she did it and its so funny you can see it on facebook. its so monta vistan. anyway. i put the first verse to music yesterday morning (btw, i discovered if i audio-recorded myself brainstorming, its so much easier to capture good ideas, songwriters you should try it if you havent already). and then in the afternoon i showed neilson and he found it so catchy that we played it about a billion times and got it stuck in everyones head.... in fact i bet its still stuck in some ppls heads right now (i can write tv jingles!).... uh yes. thats where my yesterday went.

in case your wondering, i'm not positive about actually performing it at cup of culture. but yeah it was fun, and i'm gonna try to write a chorus tomorrow... yeah. we'll see how it develops haha. as of now its happy sounding music with words that ... dont quite fit the music, which is i guess what makes it funny yay lylan. one part sounds like viva la vida I DIDNT PLAGARIZE IT CUZ ITS LESS THAN 8 MEASURES OF SIMILAR NOTES. and i made it very epic when i announce that i didnt get in ucla. hehe. and donald would be proud to know that i used nonstandard chords in some spots. i shall see if i can incorporate a little blues, a little jazz later haha. this is the perfect oppurtunity to experiment and mix genres hehe.

on another note (haha), this is the first time anyones seriously sung/played my music before (and got it stuck in their heads!) and its a weirdish feeling... ive always been too shy to display my music before but i guess college makes me come out of my shell a little.



something occurred to me. as much as paul was a missionary, as much as he spent his life literally travelling around on an indefinitely long mission trip, he still worked and supported himself, at least sometimes. but that was like an on-the-side thing. missions was his life. but he had an earthly job that wasnt central to his life. so often for us its backwards. our job becomes our life, and then missions is on the side, if even present. NO ITS BACKWARDS. missions should be our life, and our jobs or school or whatever you do "fulltime" should actually be on the side, there just so you can survive in this capitalistic world. God's kingdom is upsidedown, isnt that curious. btw his kingdom is communist too.

that was totally not a propaganda ad because communism actually works there.

and before you pick on me for making job and missions mutually exclusive, by "job" i mean making money. thats it.


proposed classes for next quarter (19 units):
japn20b (2nd year jap - 5 units) [seriously? four years melts into a little over one year?]
chem6bh (general chem honors - 4 units)
mus8 (american music - 4 units) [its like music history]
hum1 (foundations of western civilization: israel and greece - 6 units) [that is, humanities. required history/english class]

my proposed schedule looks like an elephant. in fact it scares me a little cuz its seems like so many classes after this quarter. plus i made them all late morning so its like.... packed in that time frame.

at the end of fall quarter, i will be at 44 units, making me an almost sophomore. sophomore standing is 45 units. i had no idea my aps did so much.