i'm sorry i'm too overwhelmed by too many things right now. please forgive me if i dont get to your emails/fb messages/wall posts/comments/snail mail/phone calls/etc for a while. i am being bombarded by too many messages from too many people, not to mention God himself. my brain can't handle it.
i'm starting to get very prone to mood swings and taking offense and i generally feel less happy/satisfied in life. makes me wonder, does my joy in life come from music instead of God? i listed the things i felt like i lacked now after over a week w/o playing piano/guitar, and shockingly i realized it was the first four of the fruit of the spirit. a little alarming....... i shouldnt need music if the holy spirit is in me, but is it still a facilitator of .... community with him? or is what i think is the fruit of the spirit really just something from regular emotional purging? i overall feel more impurities in me, but i dont know if that's just me coming to realize them now, or are they new? whatever the case, playing music apparently is very closely linked with my overall resilience and happiness... wellbeing in general. but i'm going to learn how to be who i am in christ w/o the music. i feel like i'm dehydrated without the music.


so. yesterday i wanted to listen to music because i couldnt play it. and then my headphones broke. today i wanted to try to play violin because i cant play piano and guitar. and then the violin broke too. i'm serious. God is doing this to me on purpose. gosh i'm gonna cry. its only been 4 days. so i've taken to writing poetry because that is the only channel i have left. maybe i will post it up afterwards if he doesnt shred my notebook too. and i hope it's ok to sing. sigh just watch. i'm gonna lose my voice tomorrow. and i'm going to lose my notebook. but i guess he gives so he takes away too, blessed be the name of the LORD.

mental playlist (just cant stop it): satisfy (tenth avenue north), hold my heart (tenth avenue north), you are (tenth avenue north)

funny how all those SONGS happen to apply real well right now...


yesterday was ash wednesday, and i went to an ash wednesday mass. it was really cool. it was really moving. whatever josh may say about catholics not really being saved, i believe they are my brothers and sisters in christ. everything the priest/whoever said is pretty much something you might hear from a pastor at a protestant evangelical church, jokes and all. they know who jesus is, and they worship him for real. they understand the theology. they're real, and God was there. they believe in the application of faith to life. and many of the passages they looked at, and many of the things the priest said were exactly things that we've been going over recently at harbor, little spark, and small group. the only difference is they like to dress up and use candles and stuff. and a few other small things. it was cool. i was gonna go back for good friday/easter, but i realized that that's at the end of spring break. but i also realized that i unknowingly booked my flight back to sd for the sat before easter, allowing me to go to church on easter sunday. otherwise, if i fly back on sunday, i wouldnt be able to go to church. and i was disappointed that i would have to leave early, but now i'm glad. God is at work, haha, he's cool.

anyway. so ash wed is the beginning of lent, which i wasnt planning on observing this year because i couldnt think of anything to lent, until i went to mass and God told me what he wanted me to give up. i am sorry if it seems like i am announcing that i am fasting, which matthew condemns. but i am not doing this to seem super pious. i am not portraying myself as a suffering saint. i want to share with you what i realized has extreme but subtle potential to become an idol for me and many others.

i'm fasting from playing piano and guitar. but it's such a good medium or worship, i said. i use it as a tool to glorify you, God. and i do, i really do. how am i supposed to worship you, i wont be able to worship you! but God wants me to learn to worship without playing music. but God,  i have such emotional dependence on it, i'll go crazy if i dont play. (not kidding, i really dont function right without at least occasionally playing.) .................but that is exactly why he wants me to give it up. but God, what about spring break?????? what about it? .............

so to make that a little more coherent, despite my strong belief that music is a powerful facilitator and mode of worship (i mean really powerful), it also has great potential to become a god, due to our dependence on it. but it's so subtle because of the great tool it can be. it's just like food. food is a great facilitator of worship because it gives you strength to worship God and go about life and glorify him in everything. so why do people fast from food? so it's not a distraction, so when you feel the hunger you remember that God is the reason you're hungry, that he is worth more than food, that he is able to sustain you without food. so when i start getting a little spacey and depressed and not quite right, i'll remember that God is the reason i'm depriving myself, that he is worth more than music, that he can satisfy my emotional needs without music. i will seek him to satisfy me when i feel the hunger for music.

oh and also, i will attempt to fast from complaining as well. a lot of the time, i dont even mean it when i complain, so i dont know why i do it.


today i attended the best chem lecture ever.

he was like this is the equation relating this and this according to the balmer series of whatever lines. but nobody could explain it with classical mechanics!!!! and then he did a complicated derivation and arrived at the same simple equation and he's like IS THIS COOL, OR WHAT?? THIS. IS. THE. MOST. IMPORTANT. EQUATION. IN. QUANTUM. MECHANICS. and it really was really really cool because of the incredible mathematical relations found in nature. i saw God right there, behind how this math and chem tied together. and then some guy raised his hand and asked, can you explain why this equation is so significant? and the professor freaked out. "WHY IS THIS EQUATION SIGNIFICANT???????? ........................ JESUS!" and i was like YES, JESUS, THAT'S WHY IT'S SIGNIFICANT. and i got really excited cuz it's really cuz of jesus, how everything in nature ties together with such order like this, even though he probably meant it as a wtf sort of interjection. its undeniable! even my quirky chem professor keeps refering to the God/nature/whatever behind everything he talks about, how he/she/it gives us little hints in nature so we can come up with all this cool stuff in chemistry. yesyes, you cant get away from the fact that God's fingerprints are all over nature. :]]]]]]


just kidding we suddenly discovered very late last night that amtrak lax is not the same as the airport lax. and then we couldnt find a way to get from the station to ucla w/o over an hour of expensive public transportation through possibly shady areas of la. so. i'm still at ucsd. it's springtime here! seriously. the few trees that became bald over the "winter" are budding and i'm wearing shorts and my windows and doors are open and its very sunny and warm. i cannot imagine people at snow retreat right now. but... i was really looking forward to going to la. :[ some other time, i guess.......

mental playlist: big house (audio adrenaline)


1. i am going to ucla on monday to say hi to erica and wenny yay. :]

2. i am way ahead in my work. such as i'm writing this essay that's due next wed like 4 days in advance.

3. i am having a hard time picking my classes for next quarter. general chem, chem lab, and hum for sure. the linguistics class i really want to take conflicts with chem, and if i add another class it might be pushing it. but i really want to take physics. or i can take really easy classes that are fun that don't help me towards graduation at all except REALLY max out my unit cap for graduation and restrict me for the rest of my college career. unless i add a minor.

4. gosh, vegetables cost so much at ralph's.

mental playlist: God with us (mercyme)


they had this taiwanese street food imitation fest on library walk tonight. i miss taiwanese/chinese people/culture. it made me homesick. i heard a lot of taiwanese flavored mandarin today. i havent heard that in a long time and i realized that i really miss it. i miss the days of being able to randomly speak chinese when you cant think of the english word in time. i am finally beginning to realize the gap in mandarin speaking population numbers between cupertino and ucsd. i didnt know. you still see almost as many azns. wahhhh 我很想讲中文。maybe i should call home more.

klove: save a place for me (matthew west)


today is the beginning of week 6. i have breathed chem for the past 4 days. i am retiring from chem until week 9. life is a party again. :] but not that kind of party.

speaking of parties, i watched the superbowl today. first time in my life. i am so braindead. i didnt know who i was cheering for. if i knew who i was cheering for i woulda screamed more and maybe i would feel a little more satisfied than right now.

klove: friend of God (phillips craig and dean)


according to the definition of jazz music from my music class, jazz is pretty much anything you improvise. well in that case we sing to a sort of jazz music at church. and i play solo jazz piano all the time.

oh btw i blew the last dilemma like way out of proportion. i didnt cause conflict and destroy relationships and all that junk. haha.

is "legit" socal talk?

so i realized that since i got down here, i use "hecka" like way less. interesting. NOOOOO.

i am considering taking a bunch of part time quarters instead of graduating early.

ok i have to admit. my chem class is harder than physics was. but that's because all the book stuff is pretty much self-study. the lectures are there to take the book material to a whole deeper level. am i learning a lot? is it all just going in one ear and out the other? no idea. i'll decide after i finish this class if i actually learned it or not.

btw, i'm here writing about nothing because i'm too tired to put my full self in struggling to understand chem here. i have a midterm on monday and before then i have to go through every lecture he gave since the beginning of the quarter to try to understand them. we like procrastinating. good luck to my cramming.

meanwhile, japn is easy, hum is pretty easy (never thought i would say that), and mus is def easy.

i learned how to say "purple cow" in sign language. i can go to mv games now and cheer for our mascot guy with sign language. yesssss.