the 40 days.

Christ Died for You. So What?

I will live for you.
My life belongs to you.
And I want others to know this good news.
I will do my best to stop hurting you more.
I will love you and seek you all my days, with all my heart, to the best of my abilities.
You died out of love. I will love you back.
I will not take your death for granted,
But I will hold your blood more precious than my own.
You will be my God
And I will be your daughter.

When I hunger
When I thirst
When I long for something more
When I have so much in me I'm about to burst
God, let you be my all

When I'm empty
When I have nothing left
When all that's in me is away and gone
When I grow stagnant
God, let you by my all

Be my song
Be my music
Be my poem
Be my words
Be the only one that satisfies me, my all

I need nothing to worship you
I have nothing to worship you
I need no song
I need no words
Because you are my all

You are all I hunger for
No food is sweeter
No drink more satisfying
Than one taste of you
Than one glimpse of your glory,
   one touch of your hand

Can't focus
More sin
More darkness

for goodness
for you
for more

You took away my song,
How can I sing to you?
You took away my sins,
How can I not sing to you?

What do I do?
I'm confused
Please understand

Yet your love
Your love is greater than all.
Yet where do I go
To express my response
To your love?
What do I do
To release my joy?

It bottles up
I'm bottled up
Can't talk
Can't sing
Can't offer you
   a song
Can't breathe

3/4 (read carefully.... do you see it?)
Beyond time and matter
Origin of human life
Ruler of the supernatural
Nothing can contain you

Creator of living things
Righteous Giver of breath
Inspirer of life
Free to give, free to take away
Infallible source of holiness
Eternal Judge
Death ceases in your presence

Redeemer of mankind
Infallible source of mercy
Savior of sinners
Eternal Judge became the judged
New life for the dead

You are music
You are silence
You are fellowship
You are solitude
You are people
You are nature
You are the worship I offer my Father

You are life
You are death
You are sweet
You are bitter
You are righteousness
You are sin
You are the death of my Jesus by which I live

You are holiness
You are mercy
You are conviction
You are love
You are fear
You are security
You are the mystery of the Holy Spirit inside of me

You are joy
You are sorrow
You are laughter
You are darkness
You are pleasure
You are pain
You are the life I live for my God

Lent is a time of dying to self, and I realized that a lot of what I called worship was actually playing for my own pleasure, righteous pleasure though it is. I died to it. I died to the emotional gratification, and I died to the self-expression.

Ok, let's talk about worship. I do not mean the way of life, but the specific act of consciously connecting with God emotionally and spiritually for the purpose of praising him. To think that music is the main route to this is so very narrow, I discovered. Churches are missing out on so much by placing the label "worship" on the musical parts of the service. The emotional and spiritual experience characteristic of that musical time is equally obtainable and equally rich in times of silence. In fact, I may even venture to say that silence is less distracting and more conducive to what you call (musical) worship than music is. Also, the word "worship" holds a corporal connotation when used in the "musical" sense. I also think this is a mistake. Yes, amazing worship happens when the Body is gathered as one, but amazing worship also happens in solitude, when it's just you and your God. Consider: music and silence, people and solitude. These are all equally legit dimensions of worship, but I feel that so many churchgoers are only really aware of the corporal, musical part of it, when in reality, that is only a small slice of it. It is by no means the only way to praise God. Therefore, there is no reason for me to be dependent on music as though it is the only way for me to worship God, even though it can definitely be a very powerful tool. I will use it like it's a powerful tool, but not the only tool.


something really strange happened today. you may have seen videos of people with one leg shorter than the other getting healed. like here. you can literally see it grow out. well i've seen it too. .... but i saw it in real life today. and not only, but MY OWN shorter left leg grew out today. i am testifying to you that my leg grew out by the power of the holy spirit, and i saw it with my very eyes, and it was not a hoax. dig that.

it was also brought to my attention that jesus doesnt tell us to pray for healing for the sick, but he tells us to heal the sick. chew on that.

also, it was brought to my attention that jesus never turned away any sick person. jesus never told any sick person that it was God's will for them to remain sick, for whatever ungraspable reason. he only healed. so what makes us say "if it is your will, please heal so and so"? chew on that.
home, home. mixed feelings here. that thing in the living room is a constant temptation. that thing with the keys and strings and a bunch of wood. i spend most my time elsewhere now. and if i walk by i have to constantly remind myself to control myself and pay attention, otherwise i'll sit down at the piano w/o thinking. 6 more days. the mess in the house is messing with my head again. conflict as usual. but its good to see everyone again. if only everyone else was on break too. but i have a good lineup of playdates (haha i've been working at a daycare for too long) so its good. i am determined to love my family by doing some much needed chores this week. and i am determined to love random people by baking random things for them. random specific people. and, for the first time, i am... schoolsick.


a little reflection about this quarter...
- is college harder than high school? the answer is now yes. the material is def harder/faster (at least for chem this quarter....), but no way is it anywhere near as stressful has high school was. yet. maybe because i'm not involved in 20 million things yet.
- running in the early morning is cool.
- sitting outside on the ledge with feet dangling is cool.
- waking up at 6 every weekday to hang out with God is cool. no distractions whatsoever. :] except maybe sleep.
- stonehenge is cool.
- study groups are fun and super helpful for intense classes. and i mean seriously studying.
- solitude/silence is cool.
- cs lewis is really cool.
- little spark is really cool.
- God is sooooo good.

some resolutions/suggestions for the future:
- go running (or work out some way) MORE THAN once a week.
- go to the cliffs to watch the sunset at least every other week.
- continue to wake up at 6 every weekday.
- touch the ocean at least once a quarter.
- keep on taking studying seriously. stay on top of things. dont procrasinate. you can handle 19 units again, elena.
- go to utc at least once a quarter (nnooooo i already failed this quarter...). going to church does not count.


quick update time.

never have i studied so hard for finals, but never have i ever been so relaxed during finals. this weather is so relaxing and awesome, i really wanna go to the beach but wahhh everyones studying. including me. when i'm not daydreaming about going to the beach that is. or sitting with my legs hanging off the balcony ledge and being happy. or sitting at stonehenge and being happy. or running through fields barefoot and being happy. or watching the sun set over the pacific ocean and being happy. or watching the sun rise behind trees and... being happy. :] this weather is so conducive to being happy. its warm and reminds me of summer, but it's not hot. so anyway. i'm studying like seriously, but never have i taken so much time to just sit and chill, even when i didnt study so seriously. i would fill my life with other things. but i've learned how cool it is to just sit and chill, and i think if we all learned to just take a break from life once a while and just be still, it would be well worth it.

also, i have learned how cool silence is. cs lewis said that heaven is either silence or music. i only knew the music part before but now i also know the silence part and it's equally beautiful. psalm 118:14, i believe it is, it says that the Lord is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation. he IS my song. i dont need to sing him a song or play him a song. he is my song. i think that's so beautiful.

in other news, i'm excited to go home next week. gasp. so soon. i really miss asian food.

i'm also super excited that my sister is visiting me at sd for half her spring break. :]]]]] eeeeeeeee!

i'm ALSO super excited that kevin got into ucsd as a ... human bio major??? haha. actually the part that i'm excited about is that he's coming here almost certainly.

i've also been getting many random nostalgic moments and flashbacks of childhood. when i walk through fields, i'm reminded of the fields at regnart elementary. when i smell flowers i'm reminded of walking home from school long long ago. or in my backyard long long ago. when i sit in lecture i'm reminded of sitting in my 5th grade classroom. when i walk down a hill i'm reminded of rolling down the hill at the back of far east chinese school. ah, everywhere! so much so that i'm .... rewatching sailor moon. lol.


so i havent been posting here as much lately, partly because i have less to say, and partly because i realized what a self-centered thing a blog is. i just talk about myself. man....

anyway, i just wanted to share that i am excited because i am about an hour away from completion on my last hum1 essay and because i might go to berkeley/sf at the end of spring break and it happens to work out perfectly because the day the trip is planned is the day i'm supposed to fly out of the bay area, but i fly with my roommate, who lives in... SAN FRANCISCO! and i keep saying i'll visit her so heres my chance. bwahaha.


so you may have heard about all the commotion at ucsd. or you might not have. to make a very long story short, basically some frat or something had a racially derogatory party and put ucsd in the name, and so unintentionally affiliated the university with the party, which caused big ruckus because it was racially offensive. the black student union (bsu) freaked out, and at the same time, some university sponsored radio station responded to the party in a more racially offensive way, and so funds for university radio stations have been suspended. and to make matters worse, we have a student run newspaper called the koala, which basically pokes (offensive) fun at anything and everything, so you can imagine what they did with this issue. and to make matters about 50 times worse, a noose was found hanging in geisel library, and those who werent yet worked up about this issue were suddenly very worked up because of this "act of racial terrorism." (the "criminal" later turned herself in and apparently it was not meant to be offensive at all; it was accidental) and so basically the whole university is freaking out and there have been protests and rallies and cancelled classes and i feel very bad for the chancellor who has to deal with all these angry people. many classes are cancelled today because of a protest against the fee hikes, but i can imagine how that can get out of hand with all the racial stuff going on. its gotten so bad that the university is allowing students to completely drop out this quarter and come back next quarter with no penalty. if you want real news stories, search ucsd under google news, or: Race Relations at UCSD

anyway. my opinion. i sympathize with the black students and everything, and i can see how the party was racially offensive and stuff, but i kind of think people are overreacting. maybe because i dont quite know what exactly happened, so i'm not as outraged as i should be, and i feel kind of bad for not sympathizing more. but from what i know, if i was a black student, i would say thats not cool, and leave it at that. i would not freak out. even with all the other stuff going on. honestly, the first thing i thought of when i heard of the noose was, how is that an act of terrorism? what if it's the product of a sad and lonely student with suicidal inclinations? that would be so sad. anyway. i think people are overreacting (or maybe i wouldnt say that if i came from a background that was more aware of the centuries of racial tensions in the us?), but i guess there's nothing i can do about that, and people truly are hurt and angry and offended, so how can i deal with it in a way that glorifies God? how can i love them?