3.29.2010

the 40 days.

2/19
Christ Died for You. So What?

I will live for you.
My life belongs to you.
And I want others to know this good news.
I will do my best to stop hurting you more.
I will love you and seek you all my days, with all my heart, to the best of my abilities.
You died out of love. I will love you back.
I will not take your death for granted,
But I will hold your blood more precious than my own.
You will be my God
And I will be your daughter.


2/21
When I hunger
When I thirst
When I long for something more
When I have so much in me I'm about to burst
God, let you be my all

When I'm empty
When I have nothing left
When all that's in me is away and gone
When I grow stagnant
God, let you by my all

Be my song
Be my music
Be my poem
Be my words
Be the only one that satisfies me, my all

I need nothing to worship you
I have nothing to worship you
I need no song
I need no words
Because you are my all

You are all I hunger for
No food is sweeter
No drink more satisfying
Than one taste of you
Than one glimpse of your glory,
   one touch of your hand


2/25
God
Can't focus
Restless
Unhappy
Irritable
More sin
More darkness

God
Hungry
for goodness
for you
for more
satisfaction
Joy

You took away my song,
How can I sing to you?
You took away my sins,
How can I not sing to you?

Backwards
Forwards
What do I do?
Song
Silence
I'm confused
Please understand

Yet your love
Your love is greater than all.
Yet where do I go
To express my response
To your love?
What do I do
To release my joy?

It bottles up
I'm bottled up
Can't talk
Can't sing
Can't offer you
   a song
Can't breathe


3/4 (read carefully.... do you see it?)
Beyond time and matter
Origin of human life
Ruler of the supernatural
Nothing can contain you

Creator of living things
Righteous Giver of breath
Universe-maker
Cosmos-creator
Inspirer of life
Free to give, free to take away
Infallible source of holiness
Eternal Judge
Death ceases in your presence

Redeemer of mankind
Infallible source of mercy
Savior of sinners
Eternal Judge became the judged
New life for the dead


3/25
You are music
You are silence
You are fellowship
You are solitude
You are people
You are nature
You are the worship I offer my Father

You are life
You are death
You are sweet
You are bitter
You are righteousness
You are sin
You are the death of my Jesus by which I live

You are holiness
You are mercy
You are conviction
You are love
You are fear
You are security
You are the mystery of the Holy Spirit inside of me

You are joy
You are sorrow
You are laughter
You are darkness
You are pleasure
You are pain
You are the life I live for my God


Lent is a time of dying to self, and I realized that a lot of what I called worship was actually playing for my own pleasure, righteous pleasure though it is. I died to it. I died to the emotional gratification, and I died to the self-expression.

Ok, let's talk about worship. I do not mean the way of life, but the specific act of consciously connecting with God emotionally and spiritually for the purpose of praising him. To think that music is the main route to this is so very narrow, I discovered. Churches are missing out on so much by placing the label "worship" on the musical parts of the service. The emotional and spiritual experience characteristic of that musical time is equally obtainable and equally rich in times of silence. In fact, I may even venture to say that silence is less distracting and more conducive to what you call (musical) worship than music is. Also, the word "worship" holds a corporal connotation when used in the "musical" sense. I also think this is a mistake. Yes, amazing worship happens when the Body is gathered as one, but amazing worship also happens in solitude, when it's just you and your God. Consider: music and silence, people and solitude. These are all equally legit dimensions of worship, but I feel that so many churchgoers are only really aware of the corporal, musical part of it, when in reality, that is only a small slice of it. It is by no means the only way to praise God. Therefore, there is no reason for me to be dependent on music as though it is the only way for me to worship God, even though it can definitely be a very powerful tool. I will use it like it's a powerful tool, but not the only tool.

6 comments:

  1. Praise God, sista, praise God for what He has given you.

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  2. You are pretty unique in thinking that music is the main route to worship, but music helps a lot of people feeling closer to God, even they never play an instrument. Music has that effect to many, but music does nothing for a lot people too, even when they truly desire to be closer to God. I don't see that's admirable EE.

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  3. Many churches do not observe lent for a reason.
    Col. 2:23 These have indeed an appearance of wisdom in promoting rigor of devotion and self-abasement and severity to the body, but they are of no value in checking the indulgence of the flesh.

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  4. Now can you still use the tool all right? otherwise you throw away one of your powerful tools in vain.

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  5. What a journal! 40 days! Praise to God who is with you during these days! Glory to His name! I have been following your fasting journey. I tried to stop you, I disagree with you fasting from your music talent, oh how I was wrong. Now I have to re-think my love of piano. Like others put it in “old dog learn new trick”, I am pretty old when I began to learn to play piano and began to learn play hymns one by one since last year. I am on my way to Praise God who is worthy of all my heart. I feel closer and closer to God every day by playing and singing praise to Him. At first I just could not understand why this became something you like to get rid of. Now I know you are right, love of something else other than God Himself, no matter how good it is, is not right if it became something you have to depend on it! “Love and depend on God only” is the lesson I have learned from your fasting journey. Thanks a lot Elena, May God Bless you always. Your auntie

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