Anyway, there's been a lot on my mind lately. The word that comes to mind is 悩んでる。Troubled, but not in trouble. (More languages = wider range of expressive vocab!)
The Problem of Pain by CS Lewis has been very thought-provoking. It basically explores the question, if God is good, then why is there pain, or something like that. Anddd to make a long story short, basically he says that the primal sin of man is that of choosing self above God, which is not exactly the way things were meant to be (what's more important, the Creator or the created?). So anyway, I was thinking about how often I choose self above God... and it's like 99% of the time. No, I don't go about breaking the law. You could call me a Pharisee, kind of. I follow the law, for the most part. In the eyes of man, I come pretty close to blameless. But that darn primal sin nags at me and nags at me, and even though you can't tell from the outside, I know that 99% of the time I do things to please myself, because I am the center of my universe. Adam's sin is my sin. And your sin. In him all have sinned and all died. Anyhow, the dilemma that this raised was that I don't know what it means to have God constantly at the center. Is the Holy Spirit even working in me????
So I went on a walk and a large portion of Romans 7 and 8 (summary: I don't do what I want to do, but I do what I don't want to do... what a wretched man I am, who will save me? Jesus of course! ...There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus...) kept running through my head. Except it was spotty, so I figured I should reread all of Romans and the answer would be in there somewhere. First, I was reminded that salvation is by faith and has nothing to do with how much you sin. Ok, fine, I know that I'm saved, I'm just wondering how come I still have so much sin if I'm supposed to be dead to it. And then... I almost expected this, but we talked about Romans 7 and 8 in Sunday School like 2 days later. To make a long story short (second try), we are to count ourselves dead to sin (Rom 6:11), but we are still putting to death the deeds of the body (Rom 8:13). Basically, your cancer is being removed, so you should start acting like a normal person again as a sign of faith that you are getting better, but at the same time, there are still lingering symptoms of the illness that we are still fighting. Kind of. The very fact that there is war being waged in my members indicates that the Spirit is at work putting to death the deeds of the body. I'm not completely rid of my sinful nature yet, but the struggle is on, and there will be a day when I'm completely sanctified. But until then... it's a struggle. If there's no struggle, then something is wrong. Check yourself.
The other thing is that I was suddenly notified that I had been chosen to serve on LS core
...Among a plethora of other things on my mind. For example, Amazon just canceled my order for Thomas Hobbes' Leviathan due to lack of availability.