Hi real world, I'm back! The past week I've been at LSTP!!!!! Sort of like a retreat for LS. I won't go into too much detail, but there were a few things I learned that I wanted to share.
For one. The first night we walked up the mountain and watched the sunset. Or rather, we were late and watched the rainbow sky after the sun set. That's right, rainbow! HOC5ers, you know there's an Easyworship background that's like a hill with a post-sunset rainbow sky and the moon? It was almost exactly that. It was beautiful. So we were supposed to think about God's creation and God or something. So I thought about how God created everything. Ok, that's cool. I thought about the amazing design of everything. I thought about how big everything was. I thought about how beautiful everything was. Ok, that's all nice, but I've heard it all before. Uhm this is random, but I had part of this Skillet song stuck in my head for some reason. It goes something like, will you be there/my heart grows cold. Depressing. I was annoyed that it was in my head. Hearts aren't supposed to be cold. I looked at the moon. The moon is cold. Come to think of it, nature is cold. Even the mountain in front of me, which is on earth, is cold. I looked at a tree on top of the mountain and I thought about the coldness of the mountain. Not only physically, but also emotionally. I thought about if I was just dropped on that mountain somewhere, alone. I thought about the part of the mountain I was working on earlier in the day, collecting rocks to make a trail. That means there is no existing trail there. It's treacherous. If you're not careful, it's so easy just to slip on the leaves, fall down the mountain through acres of poison oak (just found out that I'm immune bwahahah), and crash into a beehive and get stung by a million bees (like our leader did that day) before you get eaten by a mountain lion. Or freeze to death or starve to death or a million other things. Cold. It's beautiful, but you can die from it. Fearsome. As God is: beautiful, but you can die from him. So beautiful beyond words, but you can REALLY die from him. Real fearsome, eh?
Second thing. On the schedule there was something titled LAX. The LA airport. What are we going to do there? They wouldn't tell me. Someone put the idea in my head that we might be evangelizing. The whole week, I thought maybe we were going to do cold evangelism there. That freaks me. I told myself not to worry until Thursday. And Thursday morning, I told God I was scared to death. He told me not to worry. So I took a step back and thought, what exactly was I afraid of anyway? It's just telling people the gospel. But for some reason, I have this deep, unshakeable fear of cold evangelizing. It's not because I'm ashamed; I can approach strangers and ask them if I can pray for them, I can tell anyone the gospel if such an oppurtunity naturally arises, but I cannot bring myself to be at peace with the idea of simply approaching a stranger for the purpose of telling them the gospel. I know it has something to do with my conception of cold evangelism. It's... cold. I felt like half of evangelizing is allowing people to see the hand of God in your life, in real life. Randomly approaching strangers and telling them the gospel doesn't really allow that. In fact, if such a person were to approach me and tried to tell me the gospel, even though I'm a Christian, I would be suspicious. I know from experience. So what exactly am I afraid of? I finally put my finger on it: I'm afraid of appearing loveless. Interesting how I have this gut reaction against being verbal for Jesus without attaching actions of love. That is a good sign: it shows that I understand in my heart (not just head) the fundamentality of love in the gospel (only by the grace of God). Not that cold evangelism is bad, it's just not really my thing, I guess....
Ok, that's all for now, I'M SUPER EXCITED TO MOVE IN TOMORROW AND SEE EVERYONEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!