beginning to feel homesick... i miss my cupertino (area) posse. sigh froyo, speed scrabble (sorry donald), twister, bbq, jamba juice, hoc5, mv, lets go crash someones house, worship practice, apples to apples, smash, cocoa, erica pasta, chinese food. i miss chauffeurring everyone around too. when i come back for vacation we are not eating at any place unless it sells asian food. better yet, we will not eat out at all. sorry. but i am thoroughly sick of fake food. one needs rice to survive.

for some reason ive been praying that God teach me to suffer for him. since before i came here. every time i prayed it, i'd be like scared that i was praying it, but i would pray it anyway. i dunno why i prayed it. but today God reminded me that he IS going to teach me to suffer for him. but thats later. i guess theres a time for everything, then.

oh but i just remembered that i have learned before that happiness and enjoying yourself and all that, is meaningless. empty if theres no purpose. so. the suffering of jesus over enjoyment of life any day. because that is always meaningful.

hm so i am beginning to think that maybe my philosophies of enjoying life while loving God, and of being a missionary where every day belongs to jesus conflicts with each other.

on the one hand, i wanna party all the time (clean party lol) and overall enjoy life and BEEE HAPPYYYYYY. soak in the joy of the Lord and his blessings. as advised by solomon in ecclesiastes.

on the other hand, paul, who is my hero and role model after jesus, went on mission trips and got thrown in jail and beaten and stuff for believing what he did and telling others about it. there is suffering involved for sure.

hmmmm....

is the first one actually about me enjoying myself and loving myself like any human would? should i not be playing around all the time and rather doing scary and risky things for jesus? should i be more purpose driven in my everyday life? or is this one of those periods of blessing so i shouldnt be seeking suffering? i cant help but think i'm doing something wrong because i'm not encountering opposition and i'm enjoying myself so much. i said my days here belong to him, but i feel like it doesnt really because i'm just having fun, really. following jesus involves sacrifice and other difficult things. maybe i'm in the relationship building stage so there's nothing really hard involved now? it also seems wrong to not enjoy the blessings he pours out on me. are these two even mutually exclusive? maybe its a cycle?

actually, the original philosophy was to enjoy today, but keep eternity in mind. i suppose that does include both sides. hmm... i suppose suffering is sometimes a result of keeping eternity in mind. and i cant help but think if paul was singing while he was in jail, maybe he was enjoying himself too. lol.

all college math professors have accents. apparently.

populations history.... is like wth. goes too deep into political and economic implications of race for my liking. its one of those classes in which you have to think, and think something. like make an opinion on a controversial topic and write a paper on it. nooooo.... 40% of my grade is on two papers. yay. theres tons of reading too. yay. no textbook, so i have to print them all out. yay. i will have compiled a textbook by the end of this quarter. if i dont run out of paper first. yay. btw all those yays are sarcastic.

so the good news is that i changed my grading option to pass/fail for this class. hm maybe i shouldnt do that because it reminds me a lot of mccowns class where i think im gonna fail cuz i dont wanna think about what im doing, and then i get the highest score in the class on a paper i wrote the night before. ... hmmmmmm. as long as i can get those papers down, ill be good in the class. ... yeah actually i think i can do it. mccown said she graded my papers like she would a college freshman's. i guess that means im ok. i will take a risk and change it back to letter grade. what a fuzzy insecure feeling i have right now but ok.

also, im going to the beach tonight. ppl here go to the beach like ppl in cupertino go to get froyo. thats only slightly exaggerated.

also, i concluded that i will indeed gain the freshman fifteen, but in leg muscle from walking those stairs all day every day. watch me.

i thought math 20c was gonna kill me but the first class today was a lecture on vectors in 2d. ....yeah i think ill be ok. ... the prof is new and young and korean (with accent!), not to mention female. i knew everything she taught today so i was fine, but i think if i didnt already know it, i would be confused. it doesnt sound like a hard class, except shes kinda unclear in teaching. ... that might be a problem later? yeah whatever.

went to something called upper room today. reminds me of pbcc. white ppl. uhm. much smaller group than iv. its like a white afc, only half the size. hm yes. took the shuttle there cuz its far away and boy was that scary. by myself and not sure where to get off lol. almost got off at the next stop to walk back cuz i truly had no idea where i was going. but i was like hm well God's gonna bring me there no worries. so yeah. met a very nice guy who rode back with me cuz his car was parked at revelle. what a relief. yeah thats it.

chem6ah is apparently the chem equivalent of physics honors at mv im so excited hehehe. dr hoeger told us pretty much exactly the same thing birdsong told us last year. AND the overall grading curve is the same. except hoeger seems easier than birdsong because he drops your lowest midterm grade. very uncharacteristic but ok. bring it on hehe.

iv last night was awesome and it was like the size of all hoc retreat. it was the size of two mv auditoriums. or three. ...yeah. but the speaker was awesome and he said a bunch of things that hit me right there because it's like exactly what God told me beforehand and i was like, THAT is for me right there. but yeah. they went out to bjs for pizookie later. apparently they rented the whole restaurant. THATS how big iv is.

BUT YES BUT YES BUT YES I MET A GUY WITH A KEYBOARD IN HIS ROOM except the adapters broken atm BUT I THINK I JUST MET MY NEW BFFL jk.

I MET A GUY WITH A KEYBOARD IN HIS ROOM I MET A GUY WITH A KEYBOARD IN HIS ROOM I MET A GUY WITH A KEYBOARD IN HIS ROOM AND HES ON MY FLOORRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that is all.

OH AND DID I MENTION THAT HE'S A BROTHER IN CHRIST TOO YEAHHHHH.

ppl outside in the common area were talking about how iv came and introduced themselves to them or something... after they told me that they came to look for me when i wasnt here and i went back to my room. left my door open and heard them talk. well anyway to make a long story short one girl (not sure which) was like CHRISTIANS after telling how an iv guy introduced himself as a small group leader. like someone might say PARENTS in exasperation. and then she goes on to say shes "technically" christian. methodist. ok i dont mind you not liking christians, but there is no technical in christianity. if your technically a christian, your not a christian. period. you're a pharisee. go read romans. real christians are not under the law so there is no technical.

after i wrote the note about being a missionary at school, dean told me that if i take lots of liberal classes like womens studies and stuff, i'll meet lots of liberal ppl who think christians are antifeminist or something, and hate them. i thought that was very interesting and considered doing that, just so i can meet the ppl, even tho i have no interest in classes like that. but then today something occurred to me. i dont have to take uninteresting classes to meet ppl who will challenge me. im a bio major. the bio department loves darwin. i got a happy birthday darwin card today. so yeah. im ok with darwin except i think many ppl are misled when they think that chance brought our complex universe into the state its in now. i study bio and im like no way absolutely no way this is by chance, everything simply reeks of design. i dunno how some ppl can study bio and believe that it came to being by accident. thats fairytale business in my mind. but yeah. theres my set of challenging ppl. i dont care to argue so much with ppl who are dead set on evolution, but i do know that ppl find it interesting when they find that a reasonable bio major would believe in design. and they ask why. so i will tell them. even tho... thats not really directly jesus centered. thats ok. i dont need to take uninteresting classes to meet interesting ppl cuz i have it already. :]

so i finally have reliable internet, so i can post here. :]]

sd is awesome and i love it. arrived friday late afternoon and found out they werent checking out carts anymore so i called soomin to see if she could help me move my stuff to the 5th floor, and apparently she just happened to be with her iv small group helping ppl at revelle move in yay, so i got my boxes up w/o touching a single one, thank you guys. and i met my roommate and unpacked. shes cool. iv invited us to in-n-outs, but my moms friends family, whos daughter is also a freshman at revelle, invited me out to dinner also, so i went with them and it was cool and stuff.

the room is bigger than i expected, and almost as good as the one i had at berkeley, which was hotel status. the beds are so high. its like up to my ribs when i stand, thats how tall. i can fit all my boxes/suitcases under it w/o breaking down anything. its just hard to get onto. and yeah. if you wanna see my awesome room which i have decorated by now, webcam me. :] i seriously have pictures plastered on all possible surfaces, including the inside of my wardrobe hehe. our bathroom is shared between TWO suites (13 ppl) and the shower stalls.... well theres two and the partition between them is made of fuzzy glass. -_- AND only the actual shower stalls are separated. you come out directly into the same area. meaning you dress and undress in the same place. WTF THATS SO LAME. ok yeah. yay 8am classes maybe ill take my showers at 7am. maybe.

and then on sunday i went to visit soomins church called coast vineyard and it was SOOOOO AWESOMEEEEE esp the worship. totally spiritfilled. walked in late and started crying right away cuz of the movement of the holy spirit, yep. and the ppl were really nice and welcoming and it was very comfortable and stuff and they gave me a cd yay. AND i saw oliver and said hi. he has a mohawk when did that happen lol. yeah i really like it and i wanna stay, but i think im gonna look around more, in case God wants to lead me elsewhere. and then i spent the rest of the day walking around looking for stuff.... floor and college meetings.... stuff... yeah.

and then today i went to take my japanese placement exam and missed the building so i stopped to look at a map in marshall.... and this random guy comes up and hes like it looks like your looking at a map. are you trying to find a place? and he was really nice and he walked me to the building. apparently he was giving out flyers for another christian group called the upper room. yay the christians on campus are such awesome reps of jesus. :]] to make a long story short, since i forgot a lot of my jap4h stuff, they recommended 20a this quarter for review, or self review and take 20b winter quarter. im doing option 2. before the interview when they graded my hearing exam they said 20c or 130a. lol. apparently my listening is better than speaking.

yeah and then i spent a long time walking to marshall to have lunch with dongjia and her friends, and then back to revelle. seriously, i think ucsd is the size of cupertino. really tired now. again. walking up and down 5 stories like 10 times a day.... and yeah.

AND THE PIANO ROOMS ARENT OPEN FOR CHECKOUT YET i think im gonna die.

ok yeah enough for now. on the first day i talked on the phone for over 2 hours cuz ppl kept calling me haha. good thing it was saturday... so yeah, less phone if you can help it on weekdays (except nights) because i only have my cell phone now. i used like 200 min over the given 550 when i went to doctor camp. hooray for rolled over minutes to fall back on... yeah.

THE IMMINENT DOOM IS UPON US.

last full day in cupertino. :[ my daycare kids decided to throw me a surprise party by hiding and jumping out at me when i entered the room haha and they took turns reading little notes they wrote me for me and it was very sweet and stuff. and i gave them the million friendship bracelets that i had accumulated. and maria gave me an extra $150 in my paycheck hahaha. :]] yay ms marias daycare. :]

i am leaving tomorrow i will miss you cupertino ppl, love you all. :[

my sister got mauled by a dog today somehow i find that funny cuz its so random and its not THAT serious. poor meimei i love you.

hm so i got my ears pierced today. random? will it make more sense or will it shock you more to hear that i want two on each ear so i figure i'd ease in by doing just one set now? lol i can only imagine my friends being like wth, but erica has already surprised me by saying it makes more sense for me to have two.

q&a
why did i not announce this earlier? because its not esp exciting to have one set.
why do i want two? i like the way it looks. in fact i feel like i am in an awkward transitional phase right now with only one. that is why there are no pictures.
why did i only get one today? so i dont scare you guys too much. or my parents for that matter. itll be too sudden, as you will probably agree. BUT NEXT YEAR. actually we'll see if i still feel like it.
why did i do it today of all days? because im going to college and ppl there do not have expectations of me to fit any mold, and when i come home and ppl at home see it, theyll just assume its because college has changed me and they havent seen me in a while so it's not so random. this is the easiest time for me to change myself. my outward self i mean. i am working on the wardrobe.

please keep in mind that i am still the same person you already know, despite outward changes, however shocking they may be (im trying to keep the shock factor low). if you do not appreciate my outward changes, then you do not appreciate me for me, as a living and changing person.

more q&a
am i trying to fit an image? if i change my appearance, i change it to please myself, not to fit in with a certain group. i do what strikes my fancy, and my tastes do change. therefore, i am trying to create an image of who i am now, not someone i want to be.
isnt it un-God-centered to do things to please myself (as in the way i phrased the above question)? i love God so much that for the most part, what pleases me will also please him.

now dont say i didnt warn you in case i decide to change myself drastically in college (which i do not foresee due to budget but is possible, depending on your definition of drastic). that being said, im not promising any changes either.

midnight adventures with michelle:
7pm: dinner at bjs
9pm: go to jollyman park to break a cute dinosaur pinata... in the dark.
9:15pm: spend forever trying to throw the rope over the branch of a tree with the aid of an umbrella. ... under a street lamp. looks like we're trying to do something illegal, but we werent. also sounds like we're drunk or something sometimes, but we werent. i tried to climb the tree and my feet slipped off except my arm was stuck in a fork of the tree so i didnt die. i have battle scars now.
9:30pm: hang and beat, aka lynch, the cute dinosaur pinata with an umbrella... under a street lamp in a deserted park. nothing illegal involved, despite appearances.
9:40pm: break the umbrella. and then break the pinata. ... under the same street lamp.
9:50pm: stick the head of the dead dinosaur on the end of the fence... like in lord of the flies. pose and take pictures with it. in the dark. marvel over the nerds spilling out of the hole in the top of the head like brains.
10:10pm: decide to go to memorial park to play risk. in the dark.

at this point i decided to desert them. sorry guys, but i hope youre having fun. for all i know, theyre probably still there right now, playing risk in the dark. and i thought my other friends were crazy lol.

AHAHAHAH I CAME HOME AND LOGGED ONTO MY COMPUTER AND FOUND THE BACKGROUND AS SUCH:

thank you bryan you have forever won my favor. :D you make my day.

LAST WEEK IN CUPERTINO. thats all i have to say. i am goingi to leave this life and begin a new one. seems like. that is all.

my eyesight is really messed up today. im not just nearsighted; i cant even read. its hard for me to read this as i type so forgive any weird typos. what am i supposed to do if i cant read. this is lame. today im thankful for good eyesight. and the ability to read. i always took the ability to read for granted. because you learn that when your a baby but many ini the world never learn how to read. how inconvenient.

last weekend at hoc5 for a long time. hm. kinda feels like graduating from mv. im graduating from hoc5. and ill come back and visit, sure, but it wont be my home church anymore. hm. i kinda feel like... sad its ending but excited for the new doors that will open. hm yeah.

bad day today. I GOT IN MY FIRST CAR ACCIDENT EVER. and it WAS my fault. i was in a parking lot. going at like 2 mph. and i misjudged the distance between my car and the car in the space next to the one i was trying to park in. i misjudged distance???? usually i overestimate. and i wasnt even close to being alarmed at how close i was to the car. this must be a God thing. because its uncharacteristic of me to underestimate distances. sigh maybe it was a God thing, but it was still lame cuz the lady was sitting in her car and she was really upset even tho i barely dented her car. i only got my white paint on her green car, mostly. she was seriously going to call the police. good thing she didnt. anyway. it was very lame. mostly because she was so upset. i thought she was going to start lecturing me or yelling at me or something but she suppressed it mostly. sigh. anyway i was standing around waiting for her to copy my insurance information, getting more and more late to worship practice every minute, but it was so clear in my mind that God had this happen for a reason. unfortunately i dont know what that reason is. yet. therefore, i think this sucks. this sucks. rawr.

anyway in case your curious you can barely tell anything happened to my car because the fronts already scratched up so much that the recent addition doesnt change the landscape much. this only sucks because she was upset. if she wasnt upset it would go right over my head and i would barely remember to tell my parents. i hate making ppl upset. i mean hate there quite literally. i dont care if i messed up my car, and i dont care if i have to pay her hundreds of dollars and my insurance goes up. but the fact that she was upset ugh. she was also very suspicious of me and thought i was gonna drive off when i backed up and tried to park my car properly next to her car before i got out to talk. and she wouldnt give me her name either. sigh i feel very bad. she wouldnt accept my apology either.

anyway. -_-

hello. this is for ppl who care to know whats going on in my life in sd w/o having to call me every day. many ppl are starting blogs so i thought i would follow the trend. sometimes i will be random and sometimes i will be serious. posts will be sporadic and ungrammatically correct. its called hello real world cuz cupertino is a bubble. the url is trees have fruit in reference to the matthew passage about telling a tree by its fruit. good trees have good fruit and bad trees have bad fruit. i wish to be a good tree.

so anyway, i begin by saying that while i am still scared about heading off into the unknown, i am starting to get excited again because God backs me and ill be ok. senior was awesome for me. im gonna make every year a senior year at ucsd. even tho i think ill be miserable the first quarter. its ok. thats still exciting. carpe diem 抓紧时间。

in other news, i love jesus very much.