I have a dream to adopt one day. Specifically, a sibling set. Am I crazy?? I think it’s a God dream. There are some (major) barriers but none that I don’t think my God can’t handle. I’ll leave this here as a time capsule, as the post from nearly 14 years ago now regarding finding my new “bff” has become. 

The Hilarious World of Depression

I'm reading a book called The Hilarious World of Depression, a memoir by John Moe, who is apparently chronically depressed and has interviewed many famous people who have also struggled with depression on his podcast of the same name. 

I thought I would relate to it more, but surprisingly I don't really relate to it much at all. He has the low self-esteem kind of depressed. Maybe once a very long time ago that was me too, maybe. But mostly, it's not me. Now I understand why when I told my dad I was depressed, he disbelievingly said, "But your disposition is so good!" I have great self-esteem, and a great outlook on life and the world in general. Or when I didn't, it was masquerading as religious/spiritual "maturity." (For example, when life didn't seem worth living anymore, I was "eternity/Heaven-focused." Or when guilt was my constant companion, it was because I'm not living up to the standard of what a Christian "should" be like.) Anyway I do have a great outlook on life in general, but major depression by definition comes in episodes of ... not me. 

All that to say, I think there must be different kinds of depressed and I don't have that kind of depressed. Please don't overgeneralize depressed people, thanks. (The author kind of does... reminds me of the med student/med school jokes that I didn't resonate with.) Neilson calls that kind of depressed, "the kind that benefits from CBT." Me? Too rational to benefit from CBT. I've already CBT'ed all there is to cognitize and still find myself sad, foggy, and trying to fight the obsessive-compulsive self-harm monster called "cutting" which is a sort of dissociated not-me me when I'm in an episode. I don't yet have a name for this kind of depressed, but I'd like to know more about it. Taking any book suggestions, thanks. 

That's all for today, folks.