I'm starting a journey to know myself. I tend to focus on outside things in my life, and I don't pay much attention to what's going on inside myself. I'm starting to find I have a lot going on inside that I can't explain, either to myself or to others. And a lot that I don't want to explain. I also tend to live almost entirely in the present, and there seem to be some gaping holes in my memory. Like I don't know where I came from. I suspect the answer to the first question lies in the second. So I'm determined to find out who I am by understanding where I came from with the help of every written record of my past that I can possibly dig up. I'm scared of what I will find, but I need to know. Christ is my anchor and I will not get lost.

I'm writing my statement of purpose for my med school app, and I just heard an ice cream truck go by! Do you remember the days of ice cream trucks??? (Doesn't the concept of playing music to let the neighborhood know that you're selling stuff on the block seem so foreign?) This one drives by my new house every day haha. I'm living in the past as I unpack and unearth crafts I made in elementary school, and stories I wrote in middle school as I move my digital files to a new laptop, but I'm living in the future as I try to articulate to these medical schools how absolutely in love I am with physiology and the human race, and dream of getting into med school and becoming a doctor and how that's gonna interfere with getting married and having kids, I mean gosh, how does anyone manage to have a full-time job AND kids? ......................................Where does the time go?
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So we do not fix our eyes on what is seen, but on what is unseen, for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Being around old people (i.e. my family) and memories from my childhood dug up during this dissection of my house makes me feel like my life is about to begin. People joke that 21 is old, but seriously, I feel like the first 20 years of my life was just the process that helped to form me as I am today. Now I'm here and my life is finally starting. That's how I feel. 

We're moving = going through old stuff = walk down memory lane.

Me and my sister found her old diary from when she was in third grade or so (that she doesn't even remember writing in) and it was the most hilarious thing ever. I laughed till I cried. She won't mind if I post one entry up:

Dear diary,
You wouldn't believe what happened! My sister stole my breakfast, okay, not stole, but took my breakfast and made me eat yogurt. So I went inside and counted my money. I had $5.36.

I also went through my old stuff, kinda... from "lol cute," to "This is so random, what was I thinking," to "Wow this is embarrassing," to "ugh those days, don't remind me."

Saw names of and notes from and pictures of people I don't talk to anymore... also some of people I still do talk to and boy I forgot how far back we go. I've been friends with Jennifer LQ for over a decade now and we can still talk like nothing's changed <3. Also found notes containing inside jokes that I don't understand anymore. Kevin, please remind me what a CCS person is... o.o.

Anyhow. fun stuff.

I'm becoming one of those nerds who turn their houses into laboratories, and boy this is so exciting. I have my nice mold samples growing on a medium of rotting tomato, and i'm subjecting them to various chemicals, bwahaha. My most recent breakthrough was getting mold to grow on a burger king hamburger, which some people told me was not likely, but ha! now you know bk is real food. heheheheh talk about wannabe scientist. I love my job.

I am so dang excited for my academic and professional future. It's biology and medicine from now on, baby, woohoo. I'm writing a statement of purpose (essay basically) for this public health internship thing that I'm 80% sure I''m going to apply for, for this summer, and boy I inspire myself when I articulate my excitement for medicine and my reasons for it. I think I might actually like writing personal statements for med school, bwahaha, and you thought liking ochem and physics was weird. (Did you notice that I'm writing the essay even though I'm only 80% sure I'm going to apply?) I'm excited beyond words to see where God's going to take me here. He has equipped me abundantly for this, and I plan on making the most of it. One day, blind people are going to see, deaf people are going to hear, and lame people are going to walk once again. The Savior is still alive.

Here is a long-lost song from Tenth Avenue North. If you look it up on the internet, it's almost like it never existed. And I swear that it's not Mike Donehey (the usual lead singer) singing this song... When I first stumbled on it, I thought it was mislabeled, but nooo, Tenth Avenue North apparently had a life before the Over and Underneath.

This guy gets me.

And today actually has a high of around 75.

I'm sponsoring a child by World Vision!! This makes me so happy, haha. If you're not familiar, this means that I'm more or less financially adopting a kid in need somewhere in the world. His name is Ajay, he lives in India, and he has the same birthday as me!!! I've been wanting to sponsor a kid for a while, but lack of a stable mailing address has prevented me from doing so till now. woohoo, exciting.

Music Time

What Love Really Means (JJ Heller)

 Analyze (Tim Be Told)
Tim Be Told will be at the Fifth Home of Christ Church in Cupertino on Sept 5 of this very year. Woohoo.

What I've found is that a lot of my family whom I haven't seen in many years seem to think that I'm an introvert who stays home and doesn't hang out with friends much. Especially next to my sister. Interesting. I believe they judge based on the amount of time I look like I spend on things like clothing, hair, makeup, etc. Probably other people do too from first visual impression, but family members are the only ones bold enough to say it out loud. Thank you, but I don't need to extensively enhance how I look in order to make and keep friends.

Today I was reading Leviticus, which is extremely random, but I was, and I was thinking, man, how can anyone EVER POSSIBLY remain clean, according to these laws?? For example, a woman becomes unclean on her period and when she gives birth. And similarly unavoidable things for men. Come on seriously, God, women were born to have periods and babies, how can you possibly call that unclean? It's our nature -- but so is sin! That's our nature too, but it's clearly unclean! We can't help it, just like we can't help our bodily functions! What's the point of these laws if it's just going to tell us that what we can't help is unclean? Maybe that IS the point of all these laws: we see that we have no hope of being clean by them -- Yes, exactly, says Romans 3:20!! Thus enter Jesus and grace. Beautiful. Jesus even shows up in Leviticus, what do you know.

You know what else I noticed? Romans 8:3 calls Jesus a sin offering. Leviticus 4 seems to indicate that sin offerings are for the forgiveness of unintentional sins (but wrong and guilt-incurring nonetheless). Unintentional sins?? But our Sin Offering, when he died, said to God, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." He apparently thought it was unintentional too (but I'm not exactly sure who "them" refers to)? Interesting link, but I'm not sure if that's saying that all sins are unintentional. Or that Jesus only died for the forgiveness of unintentional sins. I can imagine someone committing a sin deliberately, fully aware that it's wrong. But then, that's only imagination, and I can't claim to speak for them, because from my own memory, I cannot recall a single time that I committed a sin deliberately and intentionally, fully aware it's a sin. Maybe I should seek myself more? Or maybe that's just because I'm a nice person, but there's other, worse people out there who do commit sins fully aware that it's wrong and that they are about to do it? Who knows. I only know myself. But I really do wonder if all (or most) sins are unintentional. Maybe the sins that are done with full intention are ones where the sinner THINKS they're doing something right ("If I kill this person, I am bringing justice to the world; they deserve it"), and the rest are moral slips ("Oops, I didn't mean to smack you; I was angry and not thinking straight"). Maybe. Food for thought. I should like to know if anyone ever committed a sin, fully aware and in control of what they're doing, and fully aware that it's wrong.

PS sorry for raising unnecessary questions and possibly raising heretical possibilities. I'm always afraid when I notice things in the Bible that aren't part of mainstream teaching, because I might be raising some heresy -- or that others will thinking that I'm raising a heresy.

I don't often go around reading people's blogs, but I do once in a while. Today's one of those days, and it was inspiring. I've been recently thinking that quotes are too cliche and easily made up to be meaningful. Today I saw some freaking good quotes -- some reblogged, but some original. I saw some good insights that I've been forgetting, and some that I've never thought about before... for example, that we're not broken people. The church likes to tell us that we're broken people, but have we forgotten that it was Jesus who was broken so we could be made whole? Such an obvious thing, I know, but so easily overlooked by that one verb tense error (thanks, Connie). I also saw some people's passion for God that I've never had a chance to see in real life because I don't talk to them enough. It's something. It's a good reminder for me that my failure to perceive their spiritual maturity does not mean that they have none to speak of. It's also a good reminder that in a year of not seeing someone, they can grow so much. It's unbelievable. I need to erase some out-of-date conceptions that I have of many people. Some leaders at AFC now, I almost couldn't believe were leaders, because I remember them from when they were in... oh I dunno, like 5th grade or something (my old students, bwahaha), and that image has been poorly updated the past few years. It saddened me that AFC would be so desperate for leaders that these clearly immature people should be called leaders. ...JUST KIDDING, have you forgotten that at least half a decade has past since you've refreshed their profile pages, Elena?? I am unbelievably old and out-of-date.

Before I wrote all that ^ I was planning on saying that I read some amazing insights on people's blogs, but I unfortunately have none from myself at this moment, sorry. But I guess I found some. That is the meaning of inspiration! Thank you, inspiring people. I have more of you in my life than I deserve.

Watermelon Skin Carving

from kevin from dawning

I've decided that I like listening more than I like talking.

I am very satisfied with my trip to China this time. I learned a lot and had a lot of fun and met dozens of people who don't have facebook. I learned family history and political history and social culture and that China is about as diverse as Europe is. The China you know might not be the China I know. No wonder some things Nancy claims are traditional Chinese are things that my dad's never heard of before. I have also heard stories of back when the Communists took over and things were actually Communist (not like now, haha). Combine that with a sci-fi book that I was reading that was obviously a political statement against Communism, and I understand better now why Communism doesn't work so well in real life. Distributing everything equally means no one has enough. And cutting off the top to exalt the bottom doesn't make too much sense either (there was a time when only proletariat could go to college... doesn't that just switch the roles of the proletariat and bourgeoisie?). I've heard of the grief that Communism has brought to my family (far from an exceptional experience), and I don't understand why Chinese people are still glorifying Grandpa Mao. 


Anyhow, that led me on a long exploration of Wikipedia that led me to find this guy: 罗瑞卿 (Luo Ruiqing), an important person involved in the Communist Party of China. Now, my grandpa's name was 罗瑞環 (Luo Ruihuan, possibly wrong huan). Siblings often have the same middle character. My eyes almost popped when I thought it said he was born in Nanchang, where I presume my grandpa was born. It actually said he was born in Nanchong, which is in a different province altogether. He is probably only a distant relative. The same middle character is probably explained by the fact that it's traditionally determined by generation. 

I have some significant news updates since my last post.

 

1) I have begun teaching English! Co-teach, more like, but it's awesome as heck, and I am thoroughly enjoying myself. In fact, I almost don't want to go home, so I can finish the program, because as it is, I'm missing the second half of it. It's an English summer camp for high school/college students, aimed at language and cultural exchange between Chinese students and American teachers. I am awkward because I am somewhere in between the two, haha, but it's fun. And boy am I learning a whole lot about Chinese culture that I didn't know existed. For example, it is extremely far from the truth to say that Chinese people only care about math and science, and don't care about history and the arts, because they do. They appreciate it more than Americans do sometimes, I believe, because they have 3000 years of history and culture under their belt. America barely has 300, ok. And a thousand other things, like how whole classes often hang out together, and lunchtime is two hours long so you have an hour to nap, and some people don't distinguish the l sound from the n sound, and you always wear slippers inside, and you never wash your underwear in a washing machine(??), and divorce is very taboo but unfaithfulness in marriage is tolerated, etc, etc.

 

2) Which brings me to my second point that religion is not a touchy subject here like it is in America. In America, people think you're trying to convert them if you even mention religion. In China (at least in Chinese universities), they take it academically, as culture. I am giving a presentation on religions in America tomorrow. In other words, they have invited me to share the good news (among other things) to my two classes in a public university. All I prayed for was an opportunity to share the good news with the TA of the class, and this is how God answered. He never ceases to amaze me.

A History Lesson

I went to the senior activities center (for senior citizens aka retired people) on campus with my aunt and they were having like a ... ballroom dance session. (PS Chinese universities take tenure very seriously -- they take care of their retired faculty and staff, and their families. This college campus is swimming in old people.) Old people ballroom dancing is pretty cute. She dragged me dance with her and then she pushed me to dance with this old man who was apparently a colleague of my grandpa's (like I know how to ballroom dance). Now, my grandpa has been dead for a few decades now, so he seems to me to be further in the past than he actually is. I was introduced to old people as his granddaughter and they reacted in awe and commented that I look like my grandma. I know I do, but I bet they haven't seen either of my grandparents for decades. This is about equivalent to ancient history to me! To think that I bear visible similarities to someone from that long ago (not really) is mindboggling. Especially after sorting through ancient family photos the night before, and hearing my uncle (a true professor) lecture me on our family history up to since we became a family of scholars four generations ago (that is, the time of the end of the last dynasty of emperors of China O.o), this is really mindboggling. To think I have relatives from that long ago, lol. So now you should all know that my brains are mainly genetically inherited because all my ancestors had exceptional brains, and I am not exaggerating about that. Some were regular smart, but some were genius. They are the type to score 2390 on the SAT despite coming from an extremely disadvantaged background. I am highly impressed. You should also know that both my grandpas were physics professors, which explains my love relationship with physics.

So I find myself doing gruntwork for some Norwegian company involving not-quite-but-almost-computer-programming, instead of teaching/half-teaching English. Sadly. I am learning lots about programming but unfortunately I don't have much of an interest in that. 眼睛都看花了, I tried to cram so much into my brain today. Note to self: do not trust other people to hook you up for stuff anymore. What happened was that it was, I guess, failed to be communicated that the summer session here (and thus my English class(es)) starts in mid-july, when I am supposed to leave. Originally it would have been ok, because I was supposed to go home later. Timing was for some reason not calculated into the flight change. Very sadly. So I got stuck in this lab trying to learn to code with these crazy students who literally sleep in the lab, haha. Delicious. We will see how this ends up.

I was a 5 star hotel restaurant, and the sign over the CANTALOUPE said this:

 

Chocolate

哈密瓜 (translated: honeydew)

 

...although google translate is telling me that 哈密瓜 is cantaloupe, from my understanding it's honeydew.

 

In addition to some chocolate honeydew, I also had some frog fallopian tube in a papaya. This is a gourmet delicacy, not street food or homecooking, in case you were wondering. They wouldn't tell me what part of the frog it was, and no wonder, lol.

 

I also saw dragonflies and butterflies the size of small birds and a wild snake when we visited the countryside for one hour.

 

And purple yams! And trees growing IN a lake! And an herb that makes mosquitoes not bite you when you eat it!

 

Oh speaking of food, today my uncle was showing me around campus, and pointed out a bakery he said that made western snacks... breads and buns and things. Funny thing is, the stuff the "western" bakery sold is exactly what we call Asian bakery stuff. Like me! In America I'm Asian, and in Asia, I'm American! I understand you, little pineapple buns.

 

What else is fun (oh no, my English is becoming Engrish!)... when I speak Chinese here, no one thinks I'm American/Canadian (to heck with Ma Jie's claim that I have an American accent). They think I'm from Taiwan or Hong Kong. One person said I sounded a bit local. This, my friends, is dialect leveling. I speak generic southern Mandarin and everyone picks up on the characteristics that aren't local to them and thinks I'm from elsewhere. In reality, I'm a Mandarin speaker from nowhere. Real Taiwanese people would never think I'm from Taiwan. China for sure, they say. And I've never heard Hong Kong until I came here, but I dunno. They all sound very similar in my opinion. I'm probably somewhere in between.