I came back to this blog because I wanted to find a space to write and publish something for people to read, something I've been thinking about. In appears to have been 6 years since my last post and an awful lot has changed during this time. But I still recognize myself in my writing from back then, and I love it. Yes, I still laugh at the days to come. Some things don't change so easily.

What has changed since then? Kauffman and Breen-Church labs happened. I got married. Medical school happened. Now residency is happening. I am living my dream and even though some days it's a tough life, I love it. I love it so much. 

But one thing since starting medical school has been a common theme, and that is that I feel that I am different from others. 

It has bothered me on and off since moving to Loma Linda for med school. Most days I'm able to shrug and say, I think my way of seeing the world is the better way, you all are missing out. Some days I wish I had a duplicate of myself nearby to be my kindred-spirit-soul-mate, someone who saw the world like I do, whom I don't have to explain things to. Today, I wish to try to explain myself a little to the world.

I would like physicians and medical students to know that there is more than ONE medical school/residency experience to speak of. Many experiences are common experiences, but even common experiences are not universal. Not everyone stresses about tests and Step 1. Not everyone uses UWorld. Not everyone feels shamed when they can't answer questions the attending asks them in front of others. Not everyone gets anxiety before Step 1 and Match Day. Not every resident is burned out or stressed out. I personally do not relate to any of those experiences (except I admit I did feel stressed my first several weekend OB calls). Please do not assume that I or everyone does. Please do not stereotype and generalize. Thanks. 

I would like non-physicians to know that I do have a demanding job. I do work an average of 75-80 hours per week, which usually entails waking up at 4am to be at work at 5am, and working straight through to 7 or 8pm without any protected breaks, and hoping to have a bit of time for dinner and possibly a shower before going to bed at 9pm, for 12 days in a row before a precious two day weekend. Time to away from work is slim during the work week, so often I have to make tough choices. Some days I have to choose between eating and sleeping and showering, and I usually choose to sleep, because lack of sleep affects my functioning first. So I choose to go to bed hungry and dirty. Even now as I write this, my heart and belly are full after church and lunch, but since I worked overnight last night, I have slept less than one hour in the last 24 hours, between coming home from work and going to church. I can barely take care of myself sometimes, so maybe that explains why I have not yet tried to have kids. Maybe that explains why I have a hard time making it to weeknight activities, and rarely have time to talk on the phone, and am a little stingy about my rare weekends.  Please be understanding. Please do what you can to make spending time with me easier on me. Please do not pressure me to have children. Thanks. 

But I would like everyone to know that I do not resent this life. In fact I love it. I actually do look forward to going to work, and I do come home reminded yet again how I have the BEST job in the world, and am the MOST blessed person in the world. I do thank God from the bottom of my heart for every bathroom break I manage to squeeze in, every hot shower I can take, every meal I can eat. There's nothing like a little thirst to make you truly appreciate water. Of course I would love to have more time off. Every weekend off and 12 hour workdays sounds much more sustainable and well balanced, luxurious even. But it's ok, residency isn't forever. This life might be barely on the cusp of livable, but it is livable nonetheless. Please do not project your own opinions/feelings about my lifestyle on me. Please do not complain or feel indignant on my behalf. Thanks.

I appreciate when people inquire about what they do not know or understand about my life without assuming. I appreciate when people acknowledge it. And then I appreciate when people don't make a big deal out of it. I personally do not know any other way to see the world, so if you think I'm a little bizarre, chances are I'm probably thinking the same thing of you. But hey hey, it's cool, we can have different views on life and still be friends, eh?