The Bridge

First Titled and Properly Capitalized and Punctuated Post

In other words, this is a serious reflection. Summer has given me so much time to think and ponder about everything under the sun (and over and around and beyond) that I can't control my brain anymore and it runs wild to the corners of the earth. What I'm trying to say is that my brain is overactive these days, and not in the most productive sense. It's more like gas particles in Brownian motion.

First, let's talk about love languages. So I was going to have a friend over for dinner yesterday, except I realized a few hours ahead of time that either I could cook something easy and my dad would have nothing to bring to work the next day, or I could cook something better, except then it would be hard to talk to my friend at the same time. So I called my dad and I had a heart attack when he offered to come home early to cook for us (my mom was out of town). Heart attack as in attacked by <3<3<3. I got so emotional, it's embarrassing. Which got me thinking about how I responded to THIS act of love, as opposed to various other acts of love. Gary Chapman has this book called the Five Love Languages (yes, 妈妈, you have no idea how many of your books I have skimmed). That's where I'm drawing this out of. According to him, the five love languages are acts of service, physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, and gifts. Let me examine each in turn (in alphabetical order) like a true left-brainer. I should be an engineer.

Acts of Service: This is when people do stuff for you, such as in my little anecdote above. I think this is my thing. For example, one of the moments I felt fuzziest this year was when I came home from Disneyland at 2 AM and found that Nancy had not only taken out, but also FOLDED my laundry. Ah, it makes me so fuzzy to know that people would do such things for me, especially when I don't expect it at all. And when I asked myself a couple of years ago how one loves someone, I remember the first thing that I thought of was to help them when needed. I was thinking about schoolwork, but my mindset is the same for other areas. I try to make it my purpose in life first to love God, and then to love people, because God loves people. And what are/were the two major things I consider(ed) doing with my life? Medicine and teaching. Both careers of service. Why do I like kids? Because their dependence provides so many oppurtunities to serve them. And let's not forget my mass-baking fetishes. I give away probably 90% of what I make, and I love it. Anyway, you get the idea. This clicks with me.

Gifts: This is self-explanatory. Love is shown by the giving of material gifts. Funny, because I seem to like expressing in this way, but I don't respond to it as well. I'm thinking of how I love being consumerist for other people, especially around Christmas. I'm also thinking of all the times I have received gifts and felt gross because I felt materialistic and spoiled. Can't you tell that I already have enough stuff, and I really don't need any more?, I think. For the longest time, whenever anyone asked me what I wanted for Christmas or my birthday, I would seriously not be able to think of one thing without effort. I just simply felt like I have everything I could possibly want/need. Now, it's easier. I think I've become more materialistic, because there are only very specific things I want that I would buy for myself if I let myself. Getting it for free is a bonus. Anyway, I'm also thinking of how I equate outreach with showing people God's love by giving them a small practical gift like a bottle of water: servant evangelism, they call it, except I feel like it falls more under gifts than acts of service. This clicks with me. If there's one thing I would like to do to serve at church, it's organizing this. And I suppose mass-baking and giving away the goods somewhat falls under this.

Physical Touch: Also self-explanatory. It's not at the top of my to-do list, especially the cuddly things you're thinking about. But then... 恥ずかしい, but when I comfort myself, half of it is imagining God patting my head or rubbing my back. And I'm not sure, but I think nudging, swatting, and the like is part of my normal interaction with friends. Yes, and nothing says "you're not alone" like a hug.

Quality Time: Also self-explanatory. Undivided attention is nice, but... not something I think about a lot. In fact, it seems a little intimidating sometimes. Perhaps it's just the way I was raised. But then, I do like hanging out. Is that quality? I'm not sure.

Words of Affirmation: That's when you say nice things to each other. Another one that I get. My favorite part of Christmas? Writing a billion cards that actually say something meaningful. Birthdays? Same. And yes, I like to receive the same back once in a while. Once, many years ago, my mom told me that she loved me. The only time in my living memory. And I cried for a whole night because I was that touched.

Anyhow, enough analysis of myself. If you haven't been, now is the time to think about yourself. How are differences in love languages creating misunderstandings in your relationships?

i know you're all dying to know how my summer is going.

i'm liking my physics class so far. the professor is very... unconventional. for one thing, he has no accent. furthermore, i heard he is also a math professor, and he still has no accent. i'm confused. but cool. he looks azn but his name isn't azn. i'm confused. anddd he's super spazzy and random, like mr dong on bananas (none of you understood that reference probably, but it's ok). i wouldnt be surprised if he turned out to be a little adhd. oh and he's young, wth. anyway, one quarter compressed into 6 weeks mean we go super fast. two chapters a week. i swear, this class is not designed for people who have never encountered physics before. it's challenging, esp when he lectures fast, but i wish he would lecture more. this is like ucsd physics' lecture and problem solving session in one class. i wish he would skip the problem solving, since i can't skip it myself. its difficulty is so unexpected after the last quarter of physics at sd, esp since this one's at a community college, but i like it. i was disappointed last quarter cuz we didn't really use calc, but this class is so freaking calc heavy and it is def not plug and chug. anyway. i'm liking it, and i have even have a social life there to boot, haha. friends from mv, friends from sd... networking ftw. so yes. no regrets, this class is fun.

i haven't been hanging out with friends as much, but thats ok, this summer is for my God and family. ...though it does get a little lonely sometimes. i think i realized that the difference between hanging out at school and at home is that it's far less time-consuming at school: just hang out over a meal or study together. it's stuff you gotta do anyway. plus it's easier to hang out for shorter periods of time, to come and go, because it's not such a hassle to get places (and i dont feel like i'm destroying the environment when i wanna go somewhere). anyhow. a little lonely at times here, but bearable. i dont mind at all.

just letting you guys know that i am indefinitely locking myself out of facebook until .... until i feel like it. i will see your wall posts and comments and stuff in my email, but that's about it. facebook has been way too me-centered and i need a break from myself. use the phone.

i think i just decided that my favorite class all year was hum 2 (rome, christianity, middle ages). my favorite class was a history/lit/philosophy class that ruined my gpa, above all my science classes which i owned! interesting. change major? naw. i think i mainly liked it cuz we got to talk about Jesus.

also, i just went through all the ucsd bio classes and picked out the ones i wanna do, and i allowed my classes to be as broad and random as i wanted cuz i'm a GENERAL bio major now.... and i just ended up choosing all the human bio classes anyway, minus one class. literally. change major back? maybe. might as well, i guess, if my self-designed bio major is gonna be exactly the same as a human bio major?

lol i went back to read my posts from the beginning of the year. now THATS an interesting experience. how far i've come. and how ironic some of the things i said. remember when i was super excited that i met the guy with the keyboard in his room cuz  he had a keyboard in his room and i jokingly said that i just met my new bffl? (here and here). well that actually turned out to be kind of true. and here i said that i was gonna be pro at guitar by summertime, and summer time is here and i would say that it's not too far from the truth. :] and some things, such as this and part of this, were the beginnings of themes that followed me throughout the year and played major roles in my growth this year. little did i know then. also from here it looks like i tried to study for my first chem midterm for two hours the night before. wow fail. lol. high school habits, lets just say. i would not dare to try that now. and my grades reflect the difference.

speaking of which, to any little sparkers out there, my virgin gpa has been ruined so you can let off the pressure now. haha, not by one grade, but two, but that's ok, i'm totally satisfied.

i totally hacked my way into the mv teachers facebook network. o.o. next thing to stalk: ucsd professors jk.

summertime! so far so good. vbs makes my mornings busy, but i do find myself with a lot of time in the afternoons and evenings. i havent gone crazy yet, mostly because every day God has (for lack of better words) called to me and spoken to me. you know what i mean? like i'm doing something, but im suddenly hit with the sense that i really need to stop whatever i'm doing and listen/pray a bit. what time consuming business, but time is what i have right now. and even if i didnt have it, i would make it. perhaps he always calls to me, but i only hear when i have time. in any case, if i was under house arrest with no visitors for the summer (what a nightmare), this would sustain me, that's how satisfying its been. this summer is not going to be one of flabbiness and forgetting about God between having fun and being bored. it's going to be a summer to enrich (yes, ENRICH) my relationship with God. a retreat of a sort, if you will. retreat from what, good question, but it doesnt matter. maybe retreat isnt the right word, because it implies that i'm facing away from God and moving backwards towards him in order to get away from the world. i shall rather turn around and call it an advance.


mental ipod: God gave (VBS)

hello again! end of the quarter, i can't believe it. end of the school year! end of my first year of college! nooooo...

it was a good year, much thanks to little spark, iv revelle dorm team, argo 5, the chem honors study group, the sea of nan, the son of neil, and the land of ly. and my daddy for his money. and especially to jesus, my love.

is college easier than high school? well, content-wise, usually not. but there's so much more time to do stuff and the workload is so much smaller that it seems much easier and less stressful. oh my gosh, i actually know what free time is now. jk, high school wasnt that bad except for senior year. AND the social life is much better if you live on-campus.

anyway, this week was supposed to be chill. but the LS end-of-year/senior-appreciation party and IV's dorm team appreciation banquet ARE ON THE SAME DAY AT THE SAME TIME on friday. so. what a hard decision, but i figured i see the LS people all the time anyway, and i really want to appreciate dorm team a lot. so DTAB it is. so i got myself involved and this week isn't so chill anymore. we're having skit practice at 11pm. that's my bedtime. so i guess i'm not sleeping much tonight. and i'm going to the beach for a bonfire at 8:30 with my LS small group. how tiring. AND i have/had free time 12pm-8:30pm. how unbalanced. i am not a night person. this is throwing me off. i feel like i'm preparing for an allnighter.

anyway. next week will be chill, unless i overbook again. i look forward to you, finals week.

and i will miss you, argo 543. what good times we had. taboo, uno, scrabble, hiding in the closet, sailor moon, study parties, pbj fests, violin lessons, jam sessions, massage parties, stalking, and the overall hub of LENN life. but next year! we'll make matthews A5 the next (dry) party spot. (cooking parties!)


mental ipod: even when (seven places)

ah, these past two days was like high school again, studying between classes, doing hw in class and turning it in incomplete, and locking myself up to get. stuff. done. but i have advanced to the level of ditching class to get stuff done. woohoo. i'm a floppy fish now, i can't think anymore. its supposed to be party time cuz i'm done done done but i'm just blank now.

hello, world. a few things.

i got a c+ on my last hum paper. acceptable, but not what i'm used to, and i'm quite confused because i was most confident about this essay. maybe the argument was so clear and strong in my head that i failed to put it down on paper correctly. or else the ta is extremely inconsistent with her grading. for some reason, my paper was in the hum director's office this time, as a sample paper. interesting, i wonder if there's a correlation. or was it because this was written after i decided to spend as much time as i wanted to with God, regardless of workload? perhaps. if that was the case, then it was a worthy sacrifice. i dunno.

so according to operative learning, this means that i should:
1) begin papers later and write it more last minute
2) lock myself in clics for the two days straight before the paper is due
3) feel like i dont know what i'm writing

ta's seem to like that better.

the grade is not what is getting to me, but the inconsistency with my previous grades. this is seriously two letter grades away from the average, and one full letter grade below my lowest ever. i am confused as heck. sharon is going to ruin my gpa. that's ok, but why oh why did you have to begin by giving me a good grade on the first essay.

anyway. apparently she felt like i didn't answer the prompt. which i knew i was doing, but the prompt didn't make sense any other way. i thought it had a logical fallacy, and i still think it has a logical fallacy that makes it unprovable. i guess next time i'll just say so. 


other news. today is sungod festival. relient k (and others) will be at ucsd, and i will see them tonight. whooo. sounds like a party. sounds fun. also sounds scary. note to self: do not walk around alone tonight and lock your door when you get back and do not leave the room. i hope my suitemates go party elsewhere tonight. i do not want to deal with drunk people today.

yess.... i also just got cleared to take the equivalent of phys2b/2cl at foothill college this summer, even though i dont have the right prereqs. i guess i have something to do this summer, then. hopefully it's enough.

so yes. outside of school, it's been rough. that hum paper i just finished complaining about is not typical, and class has actually been really good for me lately. but it's been rough in other areas, but i'm hanging in there. i feel bad because sometimes i think my friends can tell that i'm not as nice as i usually am. i do not mean to be cold or unresponsive, but sometimes i feel like i am. or is it the other way, and i feel like they're being cold? or maybe i just dont like myself too much sometimes, so i'm cold to myself? i think i'm confused, somewhat. sorry also to people back home, the phone calls have gotten fewer and fewer, but i dont feel like i have the energy for it. two lives is just too much. i dunno, maybe i feel socially drained.

God's been moving in my life.

so ever since spring break, i've been in some confusion about this divine healing business. long story, but it began with the leg growing out thing. i knew i wouldnt find peace until i brought myself to try to heal, but i couldnt bring myself to try because i didnt have that faith. it takes a little faith to say, God please heal this. it takes immensely more faith to say, in the name of jesus be healed. and fyi, the reason i even care about this is because God called me to divine healing some months ago. the whole, go into the health field and pray for healing thing.

anyway. i had lunch with soomin last week and i talked to her about it and she encouraged me so much. and she was sick. she encouraged me so much that i found it in me to ask her if i could pray for her. and so i found myself laying my hands on her and praying for her with another brother. hm. so we prayed and soomin said she felt something coming up.... but please do it again it's not quite gone. interesting.... so we did. and she said she felt 90% better, she'll let us know how she felt later, thanks. hm very interesting. and she told me later that it was gone gone gone. hmmmmmmmm........ exciting, but somehow i wasnt surprised.

also very interesting. the next day another friend asked that i pray for her grandpa who has many illnesses and is on the verge of death..... in la. the reason she asked me? because months ago i told her about God's calling. months ago. and it comes up today, how interesting. God, what are you doing? anyway. i prayed for her grandpa. i prayed in command form. and i was 100% sure he was going to be ok when i hung up the phone. i was sure enough to tell her that he was going to be ok. where did this faith come from??? small mustard seeds grow into big plants, don't they? i havent heard back since, which is a little concerning, but ...... we'll see.


mental playlist: only hope (caedmon's call)

long time no post. i've been spending far less time online because real life is cooler than internet life. here is some randomness.

i really like my classes this quarter. i have two science classes, one math class, and one humanities class! i am thoroughly enjoying using my left brain in three classes and hearing about my bff jesus in the other class. i never thought i would like history and lit/writing, but the hum series is pretty awesome. i would dare say that i'm learning more about God/Jesus in my hum class than i do in church. as much, at least. LIKE TODAYS LECTURE WAS REALLY COOL. when God brought the israelites out of egypt, he had each family sacrifice a lamb for the first passover. the lamb was roasted and eaten, and the blood of the lamb was placed on the doorpost to prevent the angel of death from entering the house to kill the firstborn in the last plague. the lamb was a sacrifice to save the people within the house. well. Jesus was killed immediately after passover. the last supper was a passover supper, and there he breaks bread and says this is his body, eat it. and he pours wine and says this is his blood, poured out for us. and then he walks on to his death as a sacrifice to save us people. Jesus is quite literally the passover lamb. THE CONNECTIONS, THE CONNECTIONS. it's so deep. AND i am quite enjoying the confessions of st augustine. he is so cool. he KNOWS God, for reals, and he is hecka in love with him.

where am i with God? what a touchy question. i am riddled with doubts everywhere, but my love and faith in jesus stands strong. i can trust w/o understanding.... i suppose that's what faith is.

i had pearl milk tea today ("can i have a regular PEARL milk tea?" "...... with boba?" -_-) and it was raining, and it felt like norcal, and i got a little homesick. i miss my da di di especially for some reason. i had a dream about you last night, kevin, haha.

that is all for now. i'm sad my freshman year is almost over.

check out all these earthquakes. i didnt feel all of them but i felt many. too many to count. no real big ones here, thank God. i would rather have a million small ones than one big one. although i seriously thought the building might start cracking during the first one. it was worse in the upper floors, i heard, cuz the building sways. anyway. it's interesting to think that the ground moves. and its very interesting to see it move.

anyway. the damage doesnt appear to be too bad, in mexico. thats good, but at least one person died and several houses burned or flooded. and i think there's ppl trapped. so. pray!

the 40 days.

2/19
Christ Died for You. So What?

I will live for you.
My life belongs to you.
And I want others to know this good news.
I will do my best to stop hurting you more.
I will love you and seek you all my days, with all my heart, to the best of my abilities.
You died out of love. I will love you back.
I will not take your death for granted,
But I will hold your blood more precious than my own.
You will be my God
And I will be your daughter.


2/21
When I hunger
When I thirst
When I long for something more
When I have so much in me I'm about to burst
God, let you be my all

When I'm empty
When I have nothing left
When all that's in me is away and gone
When I grow stagnant
God, let you by my all

Be my song
Be my music
Be my poem
Be my words
Be the only one that satisfies me, my all

I need nothing to worship you
I have nothing to worship you
I need no song
I need no words
Because you are my all

You are all I hunger for
No food is sweeter
No drink more satisfying
Than one taste of you
Than one glimpse of your glory,
   one touch of your hand


2/25
God
Can't focus
Restless
Unhappy
Irritable
More sin
More darkness

God
Hungry
for goodness
for you
for more
satisfaction
Joy

You took away my song,
How can I sing to you?
You took away my sins,
How can I not sing to you?

Backwards
Forwards
What do I do?
Song
Silence
I'm confused
Please understand

Yet your love
Your love is greater than all.
Yet where do I go
To express my response
To your love?
What do I do
To release my joy?

It bottles up
I'm bottled up
Can't talk
Can't sing
Can't offer you
   a song
Can't breathe


3/4 (read carefully.... do you see it?)
Beyond time and matter
Origin of human life
Ruler of the supernatural
Nothing can contain you

Creator of living things
Righteous Giver of breath
Universe-maker
Cosmos-creator
Inspirer of life
Free to give, free to take away
Infallible source of holiness
Eternal Judge
Death ceases in your presence

Redeemer of mankind
Infallible source of mercy
Savior of sinners
Eternal Judge became the judged
New life for the dead


3/25
You are music
You are silence
You are fellowship
You are solitude
You are people
You are nature
You are the worship I offer my Father

You are life
You are death
You are sweet
You are bitter
You are righteousness
You are sin
You are the death of my Jesus by which I live

You are holiness
You are mercy
You are conviction
You are love
You are fear
You are security
You are the mystery of the Holy Spirit inside of me

You are joy
You are sorrow
You are laughter
You are darkness
You are pleasure
You are pain
You are the life I live for my God


Lent is a time of dying to self, and I realized that a lot of what I called worship was actually playing for my own pleasure, righteous pleasure though it is. I died to it. I died to the emotional gratification, and I died to the self-expression.

Ok, let's talk about worship. I do not mean the way of life, but the specific act of consciously connecting with God emotionally and spiritually for the purpose of praising him. To think that music is the main route to this is so very narrow, I discovered. Churches are missing out on so much by placing the label "worship" on the musical parts of the service. The emotional and spiritual experience characteristic of that musical time is equally obtainable and equally rich in times of silence. In fact, I may even venture to say that silence is less distracting and more conducive to what you call (musical) worship than music is. Also, the word "worship" holds a corporal connotation when used in the "musical" sense. I also think this is a mistake. Yes, amazing worship happens when the Body is gathered as one, but amazing worship also happens in solitude, when it's just you and your God. Consider: music and silence, people and solitude. These are all equally legit dimensions of worship, but I feel that so many churchgoers are only really aware of the corporal, musical part of it, when in reality, that is only a small slice of it. It is by no means the only way to praise God. Therefore, there is no reason for me to be dependent on music as though it is the only way for me to worship God, even though it can definitely be a very powerful tool. I will use it like it's a powerful tool, but not the only tool.

something really strange happened today. you may have seen videos of people with one leg shorter than the other getting healed. like here. you can literally see it grow out. well i've seen it too. .... but i saw it in real life today. and not only, but MY OWN shorter left leg grew out today. i am testifying to you that my leg grew out by the power of the holy spirit, and i saw it with my very eyes, and it was not a hoax. dig that.

it was also brought to my attention that jesus doesnt tell us to pray for healing for the sick, but he tells us to heal the sick. chew on that.

also, it was brought to my attention that jesus never turned away any sick person. jesus never told any sick person that it was God's will for them to remain sick, for whatever ungraspable reason. he only healed. so what makes us say "if it is your will, please heal so and so"? chew on that.

home, home. mixed feelings here. that thing in the living room is a constant temptation. that thing with the keys and strings and a bunch of wood. i spend most my time elsewhere now. and if i walk by i have to constantly remind myself to control myself and pay attention, otherwise i'll sit down at the piano w/o thinking. 6 more days. the mess in the house is messing with my head again. conflict as usual. but its good to see everyone again. if only everyone else was on break too. but i have a good lineup of playdates (haha i've been working at a daycare for too long) so its good. i am determined to love my family by doing some much needed chores this week. and i am determined to love random people by baking random things for them. random specific people. and, for the first time, i am... schoolsick.

a little reflection about this quarter...
- is college harder than high school? the answer is now yes. the material is def harder/faster (at least for chem this quarter....), but no way is it anywhere near as stressful has high school was. yet. maybe because i'm not involved in 20 million things yet.
- running in the early morning is cool.
- sitting outside on the ledge with feet dangling is cool.
- waking up at 6 every weekday to hang out with God is cool. no distractions whatsoever. :] except maybe sleep.
- stonehenge is cool.
- study groups are fun and super helpful for intense classes. and i mean seriously studying.
- solitude/silence is cool.
- cs lewis is really cool.
- little spark is really cool.
- God is sooooo good.

some resolutions/suggestions for the future:
- go running (or work out some way) MORE THAN once a week.
- go to the cliffs to watch the sunset at least every other week.
- continue to wake up at 6 every weekday.
- touch the ocean at least once a quarter.
- keep on taking studying seriously. stay on top of things. dont procrasinate. you can handle 19 units again, elena.
- go to utc at least once a quarter (nnooooo i already failed this quarter...). going to church does not count.

quick update time.

never have i studied so hard for finals, but never have i ever been so relaxed during finals. this weather is so relaxing and awesome, i really wanna go to the beach but wahhh everyones studying. including me. when i'm not daydreaming about going to the beach that is. or sitting with my legs hanging off the balcony ledge and being happy. or sitting at stonehenge and being happy. or running through fields barefoot and being happy. or watching the sun set over the pacific ocean and being happy. or watching the sun rise behind trees and... being happy. :] this weather is so conducive to being happy. its warm and reminds me of summer, but it's not hot. so anyway. i'm studying like seriously, but never have i taken so much time to just sit and chill, even when i didnt study so seriously. i would fill my life with other things. but i've learned how cool it is to just sit and chill, and i think if we all learned to just take a break from life once a while and just be still, it would be well worth it.

also, i have learned how cool silence is. cs lewis said that heaven is either silence or music. i only knew the music part before but now i also know the silence part and it's equally beautiful. psalm 118:14, i believe it is, it says that the Lord is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation. he IS my song. i dont need to sing him a song or play him a song. he is my song. i think that's so beautiful.

in other news, i'm excited to go home next week. gasp. so soon. i really miss asian food.

i'm also super excited that my sister is visiting me at sd for half her spring break. :]]]]] eeeeeeeee!

i'm ALSO super excited that kevin got into ucsd as a ... human bio major??? haha. actually the part that i'm excited about is that he's coming here almost certainly.

i've also been getting many random nostalgic moments and flashbacks of childhood. when i walk through fields, i'm reminded of the fields at regnart elementary. when i smell flowers i'm reminded of walking home from school long long ago. or in my backyard long long ago. when i sit in lecture i'm reminded of sitting in my 5th grade classroom. when i walk down a hill i'm reminded of rolling down the hill at the back of far east chinese school. ah, everywhere! so much so that i'm .... rewatching sailor moon. lol.