A recent conversation I had with my husband:

Me: These medical people are so goal oriented

Him: Well that make sense, the whole path of becoming a doctor is full of one goal after another.

Me: It is?

Him: Um yeah, like first you have to get into college, then get into medical school, then pass the board exams, then match into residency, etc

Me: ...Oh I guess it is.

Him: Don't tell me that's never occurred to you before either

Me: Um no.

Him: lol you're so different, you need me to explain medical students and residents to you

Me: Well I don't set goals. If you don't set goals you won't stress about reaching them. ... Well that's not true. I've made a bucket list once before. Here's my bucket list: I want to see the purchase of sex made illegal in the US during my lifetime. I want to see North Korea freed and opened to the gospel. I want the world to be better in my wake. Those are my goals. Why in the world would you make such small goals such as to match into residency? 

But I bet the truth is most people make small goals such as to match into residency. Jesus calls us to seek his Kingdom first. That means to spend your life fighting for the things that he fought for, bringing the healing and peace and redemption that Jesus embodied into this war-torn world. That means to have big goals such as the breaking of oppressive kingdoms like North Korea and such. Can't his kingdom come whether we are accepted or not, match or not, get in or not? Sometimes being "successful" in life such as becoming a doctor is helpful to God's kingdom, but God's kingdom sure as heck can function just as well without you being that doctor. I implore everyone reading this, even if it's just my future self, to ditch the small goals and instead replace them with Kingdom-sized goals. Life is less stressful and more meaningful when your goals are dependent on the Living God, not just your measly little self, to achieve. 

I came back to this blog because I wanted to find a space to write and publish something for people to read, something I've been thinking about. In appears to have been 6 years since my last post and an awful lot has changed during this time. But I still recognize myself in my writing from back then, and I love it. Yes, I still laugh at the days to come. Some things don't change so easily.

What has changed since then? Kauffman and Breen-Church labs happened. I got married. Medical school happened. Now residency is happening. I am living my dream and even though some days it's a tough life, I love it. I love it so much. 

But one thing since starting medical school has been a common theme, and that is that I feel that I am different from others. 

It has bothered me on and off since moving to Loma Linda for med school. Most days I'm able to shrug and say, I think my way of seeing the world is the better way, you all are missing out. Some days I wish I had a duplicate of myself nearby to be my kindred-spirit-soul-mate, someone who saw the world like I do, whom I don't have to explain things to. Today, I wish to try to explain myself a little to the world.

I would like physicians and medical students to know that there is more than ONE medical school/residency experience to speak of. Many experiences are common experiences, but even common experiences are not universal. Not everyone stresses about tests and Step 1. Not everyone uses UWorld. Not everyone feels shamed when they can't answer questions the attending asks them in front of others. Not everyone gets anxiety before Step 1 and Match Day. Not every resident is burned out or stressed out. I personally do not relate to any of those experiences (except I admit I did feel stressed my first several weekend OB calls). Please do not assume that I or everyone does. Please do not stereotype and generalize. Thanks. 

I would like non-physicians to know that I do have a demanding job. I do work an average of 75-80 hours per week, which usually entails waking up at 4am to be at work at 5am, and working straight through to 7 or 8pm without any protected breaks, and hoping to have a bit of time for dinner and possibly a shower before going to bed at 9pm, for 12 days in a row before a precious two day weekend. Time to away from work is slim during the work week, so often I have to make tough choices. Some days I have to choose between eating and sleeping and showering, and I usually choose to sleep, because lack of sleep affects my functioning first. So I choose to go to bed hungry and dirty. Even now as I write this, my heart and belly are full after church and lunch, but since I worked overnight last night, I have slept less than one hour in the last 24 hours, between coming home from work and going to church. I can barely take care of myself sometimes, so maybe that explains why I have not yet tried to have kids. Maybe that explains why I have a hard time making it to weeknight activities, and rarely have time to talk on the phone, and am a little stingy about my rare weekends.  Please be understanding. Please do what you can to make spending time with me easier on me. Please do not pressure me to have children. Thanks. 

But I would like everyone to know that I do not resent this life. In fact I love it. I actually do look forward to going to work, and I do come home reminded yet again how I have the BEST job in the world, and am the MOST blessed person in the world. I do thank God from the bottom of my heart for every bathroom break I manage to squeeze in, every hot shower I can take, every meal I can eat. There's nothing like a little thirst to make you truly appreciate water. Of course I would love to have more time off. Every weekend off and 12 hour workdays sounds much more sustainable and well balanced, luxurious even. But it's ok, residency isn't forever. This life might be barely on the cusp of livable, but it is livable nonetheless. Please do not project your own opinions/feelings about my lifestyle on me. Please do not complain or feel indignant on my behalf. Thanks.

I appreciate when people inquire about what they do not know or understand about my life without assuming. I appreciate when people acknowledge it. And then I appreciate when people don't make a big deal out of it. I personally do not know any other way to see the world, so if you think I'm a little bizarre, chances are I'm probably thinking the same thing of you. But hey hey, it's cool, we can have different views on life and still be friends, eh?

This week I begin a new chapter of my life. It's been an adventure the last four years and I've no doubt that the next few will be even more of an adventure. I've learned and grown so much in so many different ways - sometimes that means I know more and sometimes that means that I realize I know less than I thought I did. I'm a different person now than I was four years ago when I was a little pre-freshman, scared to leave everything I've ever known at home. I do believe I've learned something about biology and science since then, and I managed to step out of my commencement ceremony with a job in the UCSD School of Medicine Department of Reproductive Medicine while I'm waitlisted for Loma Linda University School of Medicine Class of 2017. How did this happen? All I did was love my life and my Lord. Proverbs 31:25 puts it nicely:

She can laugh at the days to come. 

I've come face to face with parts of myself, others, and the world that I frankly hate and I have come to the conclusion that life in this world is broken beyond repair, but the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ is still somehow (I don't know how!) big enough to convince me that our God is GOOD, and I'm willing to die for that truth. And oh dear God there's a million things about myself that I would fix or even understand if I could, but I'm just so inscrutable to myself sometimes. Props to Neilson for chipping away at the block of wood that is me for so many years, trying to find whatever salvageable treasure might be inside but haha! I'm pretty sure it's impossible to find anything understandable in there, unless your name is God. There's only DNA and other types of code unreadable to the human mind, but I guess it is kind of fun to try to untangle that, huh? Thanks for four years of adventures, looking forward to many more with you.

Anyway, in the meantime I'll be working on figuring out exactly how males and females are sexually dimorphic in their brains and generally doing my part to keep the world spinning. One day I plan on getting out of mundane middle class life to save the world of TB, HIV, and cancer, but until then, I'm here!

I'm starting a journey to know myself. I tend to focus on outside things in my life, and I don't pay much attention to what's going on inside myself. I'm starting to find I have a lot going on inside that I can't explain, either to myself or to others. And a lot that I don't want to explain. I also tend to live almost entirely in the present, and there seem to be some gaping holes in my memory. Like I don't know where I came from. I suspect the answer to the first question lies in the second. So I'm determined to find out who I am by understanding where I came from with the help of every written record of my past that I can possibly dig up. I'm scared of what I will find, but I need to know. Christ is my anchor and I will not get lost.

I'm writing my statement of purpose for my med school app, and I just heard an ice cream truck go by! Do you remember the days of ice cream trucks??? (Doesn't the concept of playing music to let the neighborhood know that you're selling stuff on the block seem so foreign?) This one drives by my new house every day haha. I'm living in the past as I unpack and unearth crafts I made in elementary school, and stories I wrote in middle school as I move my digital files to a new laptop, but I'm living in the future as I try to articulate to these medical schools how absolutely in love I am with physiology and the human race, and dream of getting into med school and becoming a doctor and how that's gonna interfere with getting married and having kids, I mean gosh, how does anyone manage to have a full-time job AND kids? ......................................Where does the time go?
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So we do not fix our eyes on what is seen, but on what is unseen, for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Being around old people (i.e. my family) and memories from my childhood dug up during this dissection of my house makes me feel like my life is about to begin. People joke that 21 is old, but seriously, I feel like the first 20 years of my life was just the process that helped to form me as I am today. Now I'm here and my life is finally starting. That's how I feel. 

We're moving = going through old stuff = walk down memory lane.

Me and my sister found her old diary from when she was in third grade or so (that she doesn't even remember writing in) and it was the most hilarious thing ever. I laughed till I cried. She won't mind if I post one entry up:

Dear diary,
You wouldn't believe what happened! My sister stole my breakfast, okay, not stole, but took my breakfast and made me eat yogurt. So I went inside and counted my money. I had $5.36.

I also went through my old stuff, kinda... from "lol cute," to "This is so random, what was I thinking," to "Wow this is embarrassing," to "ugh those days, don't remind me."

Saw names of and notes from and pictures of people I don't talk to anymore... also some of people I still do talk to and boy I forgot how far back we go. I've been friends with Jennifer LQ for over a decade now and we can still talk like nothing's changed <3. Also found notes containing inside jokes that I don't understand anymore. Kevin, please remind me what a CCS person is... o.o.

Anyhow. fun stuff.

I'm becoming one of those nerds who turn their houses into laboratories, and boy this is so exciting. I have my nice mold samples growing on a medium of rotting tomato, and i'm subjecting them to various chemicals, bwahaha. My most recent breakthrough was getting mold to grow on a burger king hamburger, which some people told me was not likely, but ha! now you know bk is real food. heheheheh talk about wannabe scientist. I love my job.

I am so dang excited for my academic and professional future. It's biology and medicine from now on, baby, woohoo. I'm writing a statement of purpose (essay basically) for this public health internship thing that I'm 80% sure I''m going to apply for, for this summer, and boy I inspire myself when I articulate my excitement for medicine and my reasons for it. I think I might actually like writing personal statements for med school, bwahaha, and you thought liking ochem and physics was weird. (Did you notice that I'm writing the essay even though I'm only 80% sure I'm going to apply?) I'm excited beyond words to see where God's going to take me here. He has equipped me abundantly for this, and I plan on making the most of it. One day, blind people are going to see, deaf people are going to hear, and lame people are going to walk once again. The Savior is still alive.

Here is a long-lost song from Tenth Avenue North. If you look it up on the internet, it's almost like it never existed. And I swear that it's not Mike Donehey (the usual lead singer) singing this song... When I first stumbled on it, I thought it was mislabeled, but nooo, Tenth Avenue North apparently had a life before the Over and Underneath.

This guy gets me.

And today actually has a high of around 75.

I'm sponsoring a child by World Vision!! This makes me so happy, haha. If you're not familiar, this means that I'm more or less financially adopting a kid in need somewhere in the world. His name is Ajay, he lives in India, and he has the same birthday as me!!! I've been wanting to sponsor a kid for a while, but lack of a stable mailing address has prevented me from doing so till now. woohoo, exciting.

Music Time

What Love Really Means (JJ Heller)

 Analyze (Tim Be Told)
Tim Be Told will be at the Fifth Home of Christ Church in Cupertino on Sept 5 of this very year. Woohoo.

What I've found is that a lot of my family whom I haven't seen in many years seem to think that I'm an introvert who stays home and doesn't hang out with friends much. Especially next to my sister. Interesting. I believe they judge based on the amount of time I look like I spend on things like clothing, hair, makeup, etc. Probably other people do too from first visual impression, but family members are the only ones bold enough to say it out loud. Thank you, but I don't need to extensively enhance how I look in order to make and keep friends.

Today I was reading Leviticus, which is extremely random, but I was, and I was thinking, man, how can anyone EVER POSSIBLY remain clean, according to these laws?? For example, a woman becomes unclean on her period and when she gives birth. And similarly unavoidable things for men. Come on seriously, God, women were born to have periods and babies, how can you possibly call that unclean? It's our nature -- but so is sin! That's our nature too, but it's clearly unclean! We can't help it, just like we can't help our bodily functions! What's the point of these laws if it's just going to tell us that what we can't help is unclean? Maybe that IS the point of all these laws: we see that we have no hope of being clean by them -- Yes, exactly, says Romans 3:20!! Thus enter Jesus and grace. Beautiful. Jesus even shows up in Leviticus, what do you know.

You know what else I noticed? Romans 8:3 calls Jesus a sin offering. Leviticus 4 seems to indicate that sin offerings are for the forgiveness of unintentional sins (but wrong and guilt-incurring nonetheless). Unintentional sins?? But our Sin Offering, when he died, said to God, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." He apparently thought it was unintentional too (but I'm not exactly sure who "them" refers to)? Interesting link, but I'm not sure if that's saying that all sins are unintentional. Or that Jesus only died for the forgiveness of unintentional sins. I can imagine someone committing a sin deliberately, fully aware that it's wrong. But then, that's only imagination, and I can't claim to speak for them, because from my own memory, I cannot recall a single time that I committed a sin deliberately and intentionally, fully aware it's a sin. Maybe I should seek myself more? Or maybe that's just because I'm a nice person, but there's other, worse people out there who do commit sins fully aware that it's wrong and that they are about to do it? Who knows. I only know myself. But I really do wonder if all (or most) sins are unintentional. Maybe the sins that are done with full intention are ones where the sinner THINKS they're doing something right ("If I kill this person, I am bringing justice to the world; they deserve it"), and the rest are moral slips ("Oops, I didn't mean to smack you; I was angry and not thinking straight"). Maybe. Food for thought. I should like to know if anyone ever committed a sin, fully aware and in control of what they're doing, and fully aware that it's wrong.

PS sorry for raising unnecessary questions and possibly raising heretical possibilities. I'm always afraid when I notice things in the Bible that aren't part of mainstream teaching, because I might be raising some heresy -- or that others will thinking that I'm raising a heresy.

I don't often go around reading people's blogs, but I do once in a while. Today's one of those days, and it was inspiring. I've been recently thinking that quotes are too cliche and easily made up to be meaningful. Today I saw some freaking good quotes -- some reblogged, but some original. I saw some good insights that I've been forgetting, and some that I've never thought about before... for example, that we're not broken people. The church likes to tell us that we're broken people, but have we forgotten that it was Jesus who was broken so we could be made whole? Such an obvious thing, I know, but so easily overlooked by that one verb tense error (thanks, Connie). I also saw some people's passion for God that I've never had a chance to see in real life because I don't talk to them enough. It's something. It's a good reminder for me that my failure to perceive their spiritual maturity does not mean that they have none to speak of. It's also a good reminder that in a year of not seeing someone, they can grow so much. It's unbelievable. I need to erase some out-of-date conceptions that I have of many people. Some leaders at AFC now, I almost couldn't believe were leaders, because I remember them from when they were in... oh I dunno, like 5th grade or something (my old students, bwahaha), and that image has been poorly updated the past few years. It saddened me that AFC would be so desperate for leaders that these clearly immature people should be called leaders. ...JUST KIDDING, have you forgotten that at least half a decade has past since you've refreshed their profile pages, Elena?? I am unbelievably old and out-of-date.

Before I wrote all that ^ I was planning on saying that I read some amazing insights on people's blogs, but I unfortunately have none from myself at this moment, sorry. But I guess I found some. That is the meaning of inspiration! Thank you, inspiring people. I have more of you in my life than I deserve.

Watermelon Skin Carving

from kevin from dawning

I've decided that I like listening more than I like talking.

I am very satisfied with my trip to China this time. I learned a lot and had a lot of fun and met dozens of people who don't have facebook. I learned family history and political history and social culture and that China is about as diverse as Europe is. The China you know might not be the China I know. No wonder some things Nancy claims are traditional Chinese are things that my dad's never heard of before. I have also heard stories of back when the Communists took over and things were actually Communist (not like now, haha). Combine that with a sci-fi book that I was reading that was obviously a political statement against Communism, and I understand better now why Communism doesn't work so well in real life. Distributing everything equally means no one has enough. And cutting off the top to exalt the bottom doesn't make too much sense either (there was a time when only proletariat could go to college... doesn't that just switch the roles of the proletariat and bourgeoisie?). I've heard of the grief that Communism has brought to my family (far from an exceptional experience), and I don't understand why Chinese people are still glorifying Grandpa Mao. 


Anyhow, that led me on a long exploration of Wikipedia that led me to find this guy: 罗瑞卿 (Luo Ruiqing), an important person involved in the Communist Party of China. Now, my grandpa's name was 罗瑞環 (Luo Ruihuan, possibly wrong huan). Siblings often have the same middle character. My eyes almost popped when I thought it said he was born in Nanchang, where I presume my grandpa was born. It actually said he was born in Nanchong, which is in a different province altogether. He is probably only a distant relative. The same middle character is probably explained by the fact that it's traditionally determined by generation. 

I have some significant news updates since my last post.

 

1) I have begun teaching English! Co-teach, more like, but it's awesome as heck, and I am thoroughly enjoying myself. In fact, I almost don't want to go home, so I can finish the program, because as it is, I'm missing the second half of it. It's an English summer camp for high school/college students, aimed at language and cultural exchange between Chinese students and American teachers. I am awkward because I am somewhere in between the two, haha, but it's fun. And boy am I learning a whole lot about Chinese culture that I didn't know existed. For example, it is extremely far from the truth to say that Chinese people only care about math and science, and don't care about history and the arts, because they do. They appreciate it more than Americans do sometimes, I believe, because they have 3000 years of history and culture under their belt. America barely has 300, ok. And a thousand other things, like how whole classes often hang out together, and lunchtime is two hours long so you have an hour to nap, and some people don't distinguish the l sound from the n sound, and you always wear slippers inside, and you never wash your underwear in a washing machine(??), and divorce is very taboo but unfaithfulness in marriage is tolerated, etc, etc.

 

2) Which brings me to my second point that religion is not a touchy subject here like it is in America. In America, people think you're trying to convert them if you even mention religion. In China (at least in Chinese universities), they take it academically, as culture. I am giving a presentation on religions in America tomorrow. In other words, they have invited me to share the good news (among other things) to my two classes in a public university. All I prayed for was an opportunity to share the good news with the TA of the class, and this is how God answered. He never ceases to amaze me.